Please, take a seat. Now, I don't know how to tell you this, but...we're all concerned. We've watched you fall from grace and become something that is no longer recognizable by even your best friends. You used to care about things. You used to understand what it was like to love. You used to be able to scroll through Facebook without clicking on every article that sounded moderately interesting. What happened? What made you lose touch with the world? Your mother and I have gathered a few friends and relatives here today who are ready and willing to help you become just who you used to be--and who you would still be today if it weren't for your poor life decisions.
We know that you didn't want this, and maybe you're not ready for it, but we had to make this happen one way or another. And trust me, this wasn't the way we wanted to do it. We wanted you to be in a place where you were comfortable when we told you to get a grip on your life. Maybe in your bedroom, or the dining room table, or at that local drug store where you buy under-the-table Snapchat updates. It was actually your grandfather who had the idea to plant a fake article on your Facebook wall that would trick you into coming here today. I initially thought it wouldn't work, but here you are.
Before you say anything, we want you to know that you're safe here. Yes, we've taken away your iPhone and replaced it with a brick, but it's for your own good. The cost of continuing on this path far outweighs the benefits. You don't need it. Okay? I know that it seems impossible now, but plenty of other people have recovered from the very same thing. You remember Uncle Joe? He clicked on this very same article six years ago, and now look at him. Sure, he's still dead, but for completely unrelated reasons. If he had just stayed away from those vaccines--but that's on another subject. Today is about you.
Now, we do have a plan for you. We have consulted with doctors and therapists for the past six months or so, and it seems we have come up with something that might get you to where you need to be. Don't worry about the costs. Our health insurance will be helping out a little bit with it, and I'll start taking some more night shifts in order to cover the rest. This is not something to feel guilty about. We are willing to do whatever it takes to stop your nonsense tweets and retweets. Once you started buying followers, we knew that we had to do something. And now we have.
I know that you clicked on this article hoping for a picture of a kitten or a funny joke, but this is so much more important. We're not trying to hurt you, honey. We're trying to help. Also, can you get some bread on your way home? Thanks.
