Working in retail has become the job that most people don't ever want to attempt. As a cashier and sales associate, I have to handle money, scan clothes, stand on my feet for hours, clean and re-shelf items, assist customers and keep a smile plastered on my face.Though I work at a discount store, my demeanor is not allowed to be as low as our <salesman voice> "unbelievable savings!" Having worked at the store for a year, I know exactly how a transaction will go within five seconds of talking to the customer. Here are the standard thoughts I have on a daily basis.

1. "Do you own a set of vocal cords?"

One of the most awkward moments of a cashier's shift is when they welcome the customer warmly and are met with silence. "Hello! How are you?" <Cricket chirps>. Listen up, shoppers! There is a societal script to follow, here! A standard conversation should go as such:

ACT 1, SCENE 1 Interior of store at the checkout. Lights up, Customer approaches cashier.

Hello! How are you today?

Fine, and yourself?

I'm great! Did you find everything OK?

A little more than I came in for, but that's okay!

and so on and so forth.

End of scene.

It's that simple! We aren't going to ask you your social security number, political affiliation or whether or not you remembered to put on deodorant (oh, yes, I can certainly tell). Please talk to us!

2. "No, there is nothing in 'the back'"

The warehouse where our shipments come in is commonly referred to by the customers as "the back." Usually, when we run out of a size and a customer is getting rude or impatient, I am often asked to check "the back." In case you haven't realized, we are not the Amazon headquarters.

All that is in the back are boxes of merchandise being processed. I cannot take what little stock is back there because it is being processed and inventoried. Usually, the item that you are looking for may not even be back there. Regardless, there are some customers who do not believe me. So what do I do? I take a victory lap through the warehouse. Next step? The customer can say thank you or walk away in a huff.

3. "Be a parent!"

Never have I seen a job that makes me question my career choices on a daily basis. There are "parents" who need, as my mother puts it, a "Come to Jesus" talk. I would call it "Parenting:101." For example, a parent would not let their children run loose like screaming banshees through the store while she and her girlfriends go trying on clothes. I spent an hour chasing after five kids (who were old enough to know better) and cleaning up their havoc. A parent would apologize for their child spilling nail polish on the floor, purposely. I have kids push the buttons on the card reader. Usually this is OK but I was in the middle of an important transaction with my manager helping me. With the child's parent right there, I politely asked her to stop. So did my manager, three times. The parent? Dead silent.

I understand that these are children; however, I want to be a teacher. I hope to God that I my students are not going to act this horrific. Please, watch your kids.

4. "Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious."

I may act like an all-powerful cashier, but, sadly, I am not. Most people know of a few jokes that were never funny such as "Why did the chicken cross the road?" For cashiers, the "standard" joke is "Well, if it doesn't have a price tag, it must be free!" Yes, Helen, you're hilarious. Did you come up with that one on your own? Of course, not to disappoint the customer, I laugh hysterically. Please, society, learn a new joke. We are paid not to cringe every time we hear this.

5. "Eyes up here"

This is not what it sounds like. I understand in this day and age, we are glued to our phones. However, please put it down for your transaction. I need to talk with my customers and make sure their experience was a satisfactory one. Though the top of your head looks lovely, I really would like to see your face when we speak. I feel like that is just common courtesy. .

6. "Turn. It. Off."

Similar to the previous one, most cashiers' biggest pet peeve is when their customer is talking on the cell phone. For the love of all that is pure and holy, (unless it is an emergency) turn it off!

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a customer tell me how much they love me only for my heart to be shattered when they are speaking to their significant other. Aside from being incredibly rude, it is distracting on my part, and I really don't want to make a mistake on your order.

7. "Yes. Let's get the manager."

This is usually my favorite time to agree with a customer. There is only so much I can do. I cannot just change the price because you think that your discount heels are too overpriced. Ninety-nine percent of the time, my manager will side with me. Sorry customers! You can't always be right when it comes to store policy.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I love most of my customers. Just please, act with some human decency and all will go well.

Thanks for shopping with us!