I never gave much thought to the phrase, "daddy issues." It's usually something you hear when people are talking about strippers, not that there is anything wrong with stripping, it's just a common association. "Oh she must have some serious daddy issues."
I grew up without a father. He's not dead, incarcerated or on the other side of the planet. In fact, he is only about 30 - 45 minutes away, living his life, without me. It used to bother me, but I have made every effort possible to have a relationship with the man and to no avail. He is quick to blame the women who raised me, as to why he was absent, and to some degree I suppose there is some merit. Though if he truly wanted to be there, he could've been. Not to mention I'm now 37 and there is literally absolutely no reason as to why we couldn't have a relationship, aside from the fact he truly doesn't care at this point.
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Growing up without a father, when you have a huge support system of strong women isn't bad, at least at the surface, but as I close yet another romantic chapter in my book of life, I have decided to sit down and really start to evaluate what it is that these failed relationships have in common.
The one common denominator is that in these men, I tried to find something I never had.
A father figure. A positive male influence in my life. A protector. Someone to keep me safe from the world. So I started to really break down and evaluate relationships going back as far as my teen years and I realized that, these men all had similar characteristics.
They were attractive, charming, charismatic, a great sense of humor, a bit edgy or dangerous. Just enough to where my family wasn't completely crazy about their existence. Their personalities could almost be described as intoxicating. Similar to my father at a younger age. Now, not so much. He's suffered quite a few strokes and he has completely lost his zest for life, but when I was a kid, man he was cool. I wanted to be around him all of the time. I rarely got to, but when I did, I loved it! He took me out on his Harley,and he was always smiling and cracking jokes. I think I got the majority of my personality from him.
So as I approached the age of dating, I had in my mind this "perfect guy" that I sought out. Always edgy, always a bit dangerous, never in my best interest. You see while I looked for the somewhat positive attributes my father possessed, I subconsciously looked for all of the negatives as well, or at least, they found me. The lies, the manipulation, the cheating my mother had to endure which ultimately led to their divorce, the drama, it followed me. It haunted me.
I looked for security and stability and to be loved by men that had no real interest in my well being. It has taken me over 22 years to finally look in the mirror and tell myself, "you have some serious, I mean MAJOR daddy issues." This leads me back to the ending of my latest relationship, and I mean it is fresh. We just split not even a month ago. It actually ended 5 days after our one year anniversary.
Something in me snapped, and not like psychotic, you'll end up on TV type, but snapped in a epiphany kind of way. It was a mental smack across my face, waking me up out of my stupor. He was falling into the same trends of all the men before. He was emotionally neglectful, he had been talking to women behind my back, he showed absolutely no interest in or supported anything I had going on, and I'm extremely active in the community, I mean it was like he was just "there".
The relationship had become completely toxic, we barely had two kind words for each other. The Saturday evening he went out with his friends and didn't bother to call or come home, it was the straw. Camels back completely broken.
Since he's been gone, even though it has been a bit of a struggle readjusting, I have discovered what I had been missing all along. The love of self that I had lacked. The love I tried finding in people incapable of love. At least, the love I need. Going forward, I feel I'll be able to see the warning signs much more clearly and avoid the toxicity that one encounters trying to find love in the wrong person. I've decided to adopt a much healthier lifestyle. I'm in the gym, I'm eating clean. I am truly happy, I find joy in the smallest things! Before he left all I did was sleep and complain. I sleep a solid 6 hours and I'm up ready to tackle the world now.
There is a completely positive vibe in my life and I am thrilled that I was able to realize the damage I was doing to myself and stop it before it continued any further. I can never travel back in time and repair the damage being fatherless has done, but I can love myself enough to now know, I don't need to compensate for that any longer.
