I am not proud of what I’ve done and I really didn’t want to write an article like this for a long time. However, the other day during my devotional, I was reminded of something of upmost importance that I am being called to share with you. But before we get to the Good News, we need some bad news background.

Part I: The Bad News

Depression is a scary, scary subject and I’m not great at talking about it yet. It’s really hard to explain my feelings to people in person because I usually don’t have the words and/or end up awkwardly crying. Hopefully I can get there one day, but for right now I’m just going to attempt to write about it.

A huge part of my depression was self-hatred. I cannot stress how absolutely damaging self-hatred can be. It’s such a difficult hole to climb out of and I hate to admit that I’m still slipping uphill. Self-hatred is not loving yourself. You begin to tell yourself that you are not enough. You tell yourself that you are inadequate. So-and-so doesn’t like you anymore because of [insert quality about yourself]. You tear yourself down with hateful, self-spoken words. Every single thought burns in your mind. You start to question everything you do and say. You nitpick at every one of your actions. It gets so overwhelming and you don’t know what to do with the pain. Where do you PUT such heavy, disheartening pain???

I accidentally found a temporary solution.

One day, my hateful thoughts quickly snowballed and I found myself having a panic attack. When I have a panic attack, I get really sweaty and shaky and out of breath and snotty (ew, right?!). Sometimes I shake so uncontrollably I have to be held. I didn’t have anyone around to hold me that day, so I held myself tightly. The hateful thoughts were screaming and tearing away at me,

“WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?”

“WHY DON’T I LIKE MYSELF ANYMORE?”

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?”

The thoughts were so prominent, I didn’t even realize I was tearing away at myself physically. I suddenly felt a very stinging pain in my right arm. I looked down and saw that I had driven my fingernails into my arm and drug them across so hard that I was bleeding.

The thoughts had quieted because I found someplace to put them. I was free, right?! I didn’t feel adequate inside, so why should my physical body matter? I had finally found a place to put the pain.

However, the pain always found its way right back up to my brain.

Every time I found the pain returning, I would try harder to find a way to keep it locked up inside my arm. A pocket knife tool became my best friend. I knew I was doing wrong by physically hurting myself, but I thought the temporary relief was worth it.

Eventually, my boyfriend (God bless him for still hanging with me) found out, prayed over me, and encouraged me to see a counselor. I did and I got better! Speaking to someone about my pain and my feelings of inadequacy was one of the biggest factors to getting better. I still had relapses for a while, but at least my “good days” started outnumbering my “bad days”.

So, yay! I’m all better, right?!

Wrong.

Even though I was progressing, I was still ashamed of myself for cutting myself. I just couldn't believe I did that to myself- that I turned to cutting. For a long time, I didn’t tell anyone else, other than my boyfriend and my counselor, that I had cut myself... not even my mom. I regretted cutting myself more than anything I had ever done. I was ashamed that I had become a “girl who cut herself”. I didn’t want that to be a part of me or my past. I was so ashamed of myself and wished so hard that I had never hurt myself intentionally. How could I ever share this with people? People who thought I was happy and fine and living a super dandy life.

Even worse, how could I face God bearing this shame? I had marked and scarred the body he had created specifically for me. He had created me in his image, predestined my existence from the beginning of time, yet I had not treated my body like a temple as I was instructed to do. I had tried to find a solution to my feelings of inadequacy in something other than Him. I was ashamed that I had failed my Creator.

My shame was almost as heavy as the pain from before. My shame was holding me back from feeling "enough."

Part II: The Good News

(Finally.)

It wasn’t until the other day that I was finally reminded of the best news ever. I started a new devotional from the website “She Reads Truth” titled “Women in the Word: Old Testament”. As you could guess, the first woman in this plan was about Eve, the first woman. This day in the devotion was written by Raechel Myers. So, Raechel Myers, wherever you are, I sincerely thank you for your encouraging and truthful words.

The devotion starts out with the question, “What would it be like to live free from shame?” Well, that certainly grabbed my attention since I had been living in shame for almost a year. Mrs. Myers goes on to explain how before the first sin, Adam and Eve lived without shame and after, they were ashamed of themselves for what they had done.

Of course, I had heard all this before, about a million times since children’s church. But then, she explains,

“Satan has a way of making us feel less ashamed of our sin (the thing that separates us from God), and more ashamed of ourselves (the thing that links us to Him). When we face the world, we are ashamed of our image, God-given though it is. And when we face God, we are ashamed of our sin.”

WOAH. This completely opened my eyes. This whole time, I had been ashamed of myself, who I had become, when I really should be ashamed of my sin.

NOW BUCKLE UP BECAUSE IT GETS BETTER, FRIENDS.

There is a cure for this shame- Jesus.

I have been baptized and have accepted Christ into my heart, but I am still continuously learning and constantly being reminded of all He has done for me. (Side Note: How cool is it that our lives will never get boring because there is always going to be something new to learn and pursue about Him?! But that's another topic...) Mrs. Myers explains how shame fits into the Good News when she says,

“Jesus bore the shame of the whole world—including our Eve’s!—on the cross and took it to the grave with Him. He defeated sin and shame and death itself so we can be presented blameless and unashamed to the Father.”

I've always thought of the cross as wiping away my sins, but I'm so glad I was reminded that it wiped away my sin AND the shame that comes along with sin. I don't have to feel ashamed in front of my Father because of what Jesus did for me. Mrs. Myers urges us not to forget,

“The door has been closed on shame for good. You never need to hide from God. Repent and believe and be free from all the lies the world will tell you about not being smart enough or pretty enough, good enough or clean enough. No sin or even a lifetime of sin excludes us from the freedom the Cross of Jesus affords. Yes, we are undeserving of God’s rich mercy, but Jesus makes us deserving. His goodness alone makes us good enough.”

I had acted in a way that made me feel so ashamed of myself, but I am so incredibly glad that I was lead to the devotion that reminded me that in Him, I am free.