I’ve looked at myself in the mirror about a thousand times while I cry and wanted to break the glass right then and there. “Why are you so weak?” “Don’t be so inferior.” These are the thoughts that cloud my head every time I shed even a single tear, but the question is why? Why do I do this to myself when all I'm doing is expressing how I feel? Why do I get angry at myself for feeling any kind of sadness?
The real reason is actually so simple — I’m scared of feeling my feelings out loud. I fear that those feelings will consume me and take over everything in my life. But honestly, I know those feelings aren’t permanent, yet I sit and worry. One thing I’ve learned is that I judge myself much harsher than anybody else, which is what I have to remind myself. And once I realized this, it was the starting point of me learning that it’s OK to cry.
Whenever I have a bad day or feel overcome by stress, all I want to do is sit in my room, watch something on Netflix and just cry. Everyone tells me that I’m just giving in to my tears and when I do that, I’m just feeling sorry for myself. But seriously? What am I giving in to? The freedom of expression? I have the freedom to feel whatever it is I want to feel without being seen as weak or powerless. The more I’ve tried to hold in my feelings, the worse they get. Whenever I try to hold in the tears that are desperate to come out as I’m walking down a building's hallway, I can just feel them getting worse and worse. I’ve learned that holding it in just makes me scream more and more on the inside.
Once I’ve finally let my tears go, it feels as if a giant weight has been taken off my shoulders, a weight that’s been dying to come off for who knows how long. I used to think, "Oh great, I cried again. Maybe it’s just a sad life, and I need a new one.” As I’ve grown up more in college, I’ve come to understand that there's no guarantee every day will be a happy one. If I need to cry, that’s what I need. Sure, it may not be what I want — it never is — but it’s something I feel the need to do. I’ve learned that I need to let those mad and broken feelings out so I can let myself be more open to something great later on.
When that good cry is over, I feel as if I can finally step into the outside world with a new attitude, an attitude that’s aiming for something better. Honestly, it’s so damn hard to walk around with a forced smile feeling like your heart is going to burst. Some people can ignore the giant punches you feel inside, and I give them credit for that, I really do. However, I for one don’t have that ability. I for one find it a relief to cry, despite how exhausting it may be or how stupid I look doing it. For me, there’s nothing like that kind of relief.
No, crying is not fun. But yes, crying is helpful. Some people have gotten annoyed that I cry, and that was that. Others have understood that I need to feel my feelings. Those people are the right ones to have by your side when you’re crying in a bathroom stall, the ones who won’t judge you for feeling whatever pain you have to feel. Maybe I’ll cry once a day, maybe I’ll cry once a week and maybe one day I won’t care about how much I cry because something within me knows that crying is OK.
