A crowded room. Many faces. Many dreams. Even more pain. The sense of loneliness settled in quickly. I knew everyone, their smiles were nice. But for some reason, the feeling of abandonment couldn't be shaken. Feeling lonely in a crowded room.
For someone like me, an extrovert, being alone takes a huge toll on how exhausted I get at the end of the day. Even still having done no hard physical labor, I feel tired, drained, almost unenthused about life. The emotional battle that goes on in the mind tends to exhaust almost as bad as the physical one. It's been a rough couple of weeks, and that's the least I could say.
Why am I alone you might ask. No one's fault like mine own.
I chose man's opinion of me and of my life, over my own, and most importantly over the One whose breath I breathe.
Now I am stuck. Suffering the unending emotional fight between fighting for the slightest bit of attention, and just remaining the unnoticed "crumb on the floor."
Or maybe this is all just a big batch of self-pity, with a sprinkle of confusion, and a whole bunch of bitterness all mixed together.
I hate it. I hate being alone so much.
The constant process of convincing my brain that "alone time is needed" (not this fricken much).
One question wins the battle, though - Who are you?
I've lost myself in the midst of trying to please everyone around me. They've put out...
No - I've put out the bright flame that used to shine and glow. Now leaving merely a thread of smoke, clogging the air, and intoxicating what once was so fresh.
The process of rediscovering myself. In it a complex mystery which I choose to trust the Greatest One above.
Treading through this season of loneliness, I know that I'm not completely alone. I know that the most important One, the One that makes life matter, surrounds me, encompasses me. I drown in His everlasting love, mercy, and grace on a daily basis. And the days that I take my loneliness personal, are the days that I go without noticing all the amazingness He has done for me and brought me through, and look to people to satisfy me.
He said,
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33
I wondered what I had done that I am so alone right now. Then it hit me...I was getting exactly what I was looking at. I was looking for approval from other people. I was trying to find fulfillment in them, knowing all too well that they would disappoint. A spin. A twirl. A nice whisper in my ear. I was sold to what they had told. Trusting man's words is like trusting a soap bubble. The soap bubble pops and then there is no evidence to its existence. Same with man's words, they say one thing today and do a completely different thing tomorrow. Having discovered this cherished truth, I realize that when I search out My Father's face, when I look to him for completion the rest will follow. We usually look at this verse as getting materialistic things, but in saying "... ALL these things..." Jesus, knowing all too well, friendships and people are needed THINGS in this life as much as anything else. Refocused and in understanding, my endeavors of seeking out His will and what is deeper then this world don't stop. Yup! That's my case here!
So, my long journey continues with new wisdom in its wake!
