I’ve always believed in myself. I grew up on a foundation of strong-wills and lots and lots of self-respect. I was taught to always show compassion and try to see things from different perspectives. But I recently realized that I've taken that too much to heart. I went through life finding people to fix. I thrived on the idea of helping someone reach their full potential even if it cost me mine. I fixed people. That’s what I did. I went from one person to the next giving them all of me in hopes of helping them be happy with who they are. Overtime, I lost little pieces of me. I gave and gave until there was nothing left to give, and once I had nothing left, nobody seemed to care. I invest myself into people who need help, who maybe don't have a support system, but it slowly destroyed me. My self-respect slowly diminished to nothing and I truly believed I deserved what I was getting. I believed that maybe if I pushed a little harder, if I could just be strong for this person, I’ll be okay, but I never was. He took me down with him and has been trying to keep me that low. Sometimes I don't believe in myself thinking that I’m not smart, strong, or inspirational and that scares me. That people can make me feel so unimportant when all I was doing was trying to help. I haven't been happy in a very long time and that’s due to thinking I’m not worthy of happiness. I have never once put myself first and I want to say that I’m going to start, but to be honest, I don't know how. I was born and raised on the idea that I will impact someone someday, but the more I try, the emptier I feel.

“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”
― C. JoyBell C.

I've recently printed this quote out and put it on my wall where a picture of him once was. It helps remind me about everything I've gone through and the challenges I will continue to go through. Keeping my head up is the hardest thing I've had to do, but I know I have to do it for myself this time around.