NO WAIT READER COME BACK DON'T LEAVE ME BECAUSE THE TITLE DIDN'T INTEREST YOU. Tricked ya, this is exactly what you think. Today, I am going to break down the elusive, the fun, the sexual, ketchup packet.
I spent some time making this graphic--but is is also my first one, so please go easy on me--but here I have labeled various sections of the ketchup packet so we can begin to discuss it on a serious note.
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The Parts of A Ketchup Packet
The Spiky Edge of Death And Despair
Ever considered the spiky edge of a ketchup packet? Why is it there? Whey do we need something that can give me a papercut? I bled from that papercut. Not ketchup blood--real blood.
The Tear Here
The Tear Here is essentially like this guy I made out with:it led me on and leads me on. I know that was a jab at someone that you don't know but that's a different article. The Tear Here is deceitful, do you know how many times I have attempted to tear where it tells me to just to learn that God had other plans for this ketchup packet and safeguarded it with impossible-to-tear coating?
The Advertisement For Another Product
Ketchup packets are essentially advertising other ketchup bottles. It is like if your little brother wore a shirt with your face on it.
The Ingredients
Who reads these and actually understands them. Who even really cares, to be honest. They could put "fingernails, horse urine, stress-inducing olives, trace amounts of the swine flu, anthrax, dirt, and a Target 'caution when wet' sign" as the ingredients and I wouldn't care.
Random Address
I assume this is the place where I will die by the hands of the leaders of the ketchup company.
Random Number
I assume that this is the number of times I have used ketchup in my life.
How does this impact me?
It doesn't.
Edmund, are you okay?
No. Ketchup packets got me fucked up. And so do finals. Finals more so.
