Ever since I can remember (more like since my parents started letting me watch), I have loved crime TV, which I affectionately call murder shows. Cold Case, on CBS, was the first show that hooked me and started my journey to addiction. I have memories of watching Cold Case every Sunday night in the early 2000s, and I couldn’t miss it because it’s not like we had DVR or Netflix then. Thinking back now, I have no idea how that show didn’t give me nightmares, but I feel that it has something to do with the fact that, when my obsession first started, I only watched shows about fictional crime. It’s like I was able to shrug it off because I knew it wasn’t “real,” which means it was too early on in my addiction for me to know that “real” crimes could be much more heinous.

Now I am addicted to all crime TV-- fact or fiction. Actually, I may prefer the real stuff now. I want to watch every episode of 48 Hours, Dateline, Snapped, anything like that. But I especially love crime documentaries. It’s my true drug of choice, and I’ve seen almost all of the good ones. Thankfully, Netflix now sends me emails when they add a documentary that somehow involves murder. For instance, I recently got one about a grizzly bear murder. That’s not exactly the type of show I’m talking about so maybe it’s not a good example, but once in a while a gem will pop up.

It’s not the gore and devastation that draws me to murder shows; I think it’s more about the psychology involved. The criminals themselves are fascinating to me. I want to see how a murderer came to be, why are they the way they are, and why they did what they did. I always say that I’d study psychology or psychiatry if I could do college over again. I think that’s as close as I would get to actually working in the homicide world because I’m pretty sure I don’t embody what it takes to be an Olivia-Benson-like detective. (Side note: If you don’t like Law & Order: SVU, get help.)

At some point while I was watching the Investigation Discovery channel, I realized that I am definitely not alone in my addiction. There’s a live-tweeting fan base out there, and they have an app. I haven’t downloaded it (yet), but it certainly sounds like it could eat up a lot of my time. I already look forward to curling up on the couch with a good murder show; I don’t think I need that distraction in the palm of my hand.

Like many addicts, I don’t see the effect my addiction is having on my loved ones. I don’t think they do either. Also like many addicts, my drug of choice has gotten me through a lot of hard times. If it wasn’t for the USA channel’s Law & Order marathons, I would have gone crazy after my appendix surgery. But unlike many addicts, I don’t think I need to stop, especially because my addiction has only grown but I still don’t get nightmares.