I'm sure at least a few of you have heard the humorous conspiracy that "Jessie's Girl" is "Stacy's Mom," but what if it went deeper than that? Well, it does; it goes so much deeper. Throughout the course of the 1980s, I believe there may have been a government experiment designed to entrance singer-songwriters and power-pop bands. Perhaps it was the Russians trying to overthrow the U.S. by controlling our media who began experimentation on some of their agents. Maybe it was a race of underground lizard people who managed to craft a being that could pass as human. Most likely, however, it was our own government in one of its endless schemes, creating a prototype that subsequently escaped and left the secret project abandoned.
What evidence is there of all this? Well, we simply have to follow the trail of breadcrumbs that lead to what may be the greatest conspiracy the world has ever seen. It starts with "Jessie's Girl." Rick Springfield, the song's writer, has stated that the song was based on a girl in a stained glass class they had been taking. However, even the resources of the all-powerful Oprah Winfrey could not track "Jessie's Girl" down.
Rick Springfield is quoted in an interview with Songfacts as saying "Actually, Oprah's people tried to find her, and they got as far back as finding the stained glass guy. I couldn't remember his name, but I said it was the late 70s; they found him, and he had died two years earlier, and they'd thrown all his papers out a year after that." This sounds incredibly suspicious to me like perhaps it was a government cover-up or maybe something much more devious is at play. Although another explanation is still viable.
In the 1981 hit "867-5309/Jenny," the singer develops an unhealthy obsession with a person named Jenny, so much so that they memorize Jenny's number by heart, as did the rest of the nation. With all this unwanted exposure, the being in question may have developed a skill for changing identities (if Jenny does not have any form of shape-shifting abilities) and as despite the lyric "Jenny, don't change your number," Jenny probably changed her number.
Throughout the decade, Jenny hid under various pseudonyms. As Leah, Donnie Iris obsessed over Jenny. As Rosanna, Jenny attracted the attention of the band Toto. As Eileen, Jenny inspired Dexys Midnight Runners. Even before they met Rick Springfield, Jenny had left Ric Ocasek of The Cars for Jessie as detailed in "My Best Friend's Girl." This phenomenon could even go farther back than Jenny being known as he someone's Sharona. After running into so many musicians, Jenny very well could have taken on the name Josie and went on a vacation far away, partially explaining Jenny's disappearance in the 1990s.
After some amount of time, however, Jenny eventually settled down and her power to inspire cheesy pop songs seemed to fade. Unfortunately, in the early 2000s, there was a resurgence in Jenny's power. Two young teens, Adam Schlesinger and Chris Collingwood (future members of the band Fountains Of Wayne) had developed an unstoppable attraction to Stacy's Mom, Jenny. Although Jenny's last known pseudonym is Debbie, 1985 was the year in which their power to inspire corny chart-toppers was at its peak.
Perhaps Jenny only resurfaces every other decade to feed on the popularity of these cheesy hits or maybe she is simply less active at times. Jenny could be a tragic figure, constantly trying to escape her fate, only to be sucked back into the music industry. Just know, somewhere out there, Jenny is influencing an up and coming power pop band to write a song. Whether you believe this truth is up to you, but it will not protect you from what is coming.
