One of the things I heard most disagreement about while in treatment for an eating disorder was whether you could be fully recovered from one or not. Meaning you wouldn’t have any urges or thoughts, but more so you wouldn't have the desire to use symptoms. Depending on your diagnosis, “symptoms” could mean bingeing and/or purging, restricting, compulsively over-exercising, etc. Those are just the more recognized behaviors.

I used to think it was impossible to not want a totally empty stomach or to get rid of any extra calories I had in a day. I also thought it was impossible to genuinely feel good about my body. But maybe it isn’t.

I believe that both sides to this argument could be true; I strongly think it depends on the person. It makes sense that if you’ve been thinking a certain way for so long, it’d be extremely difficult, impossible even, to diminish that way of thought completely. But I do believe it’s possible to get rid of that want.

This doesn’t apply to everyone who has or has had an eating disorder, because all of them are different. But in my case I think I’m fully recovered- or at least as recovered as I can be.

Just like everyone in this world, I have bad body image days. For most of them I’ll throw on a pair of sweats and try to forget about how I feel- fat. Some days lead to very elaborate planning on returning to symptom use. I’d re-download my old friend myfitnesspal, set an unhealthy calorie limit, then proceed to write pages of rules I had to follow in order to lose weight and be ‘happy’ again.

If I were deep in my eating disorder, I would have probably followed through with my plans. But with where I am now, I look at the lists and remember I was never happy with myself, no matter how many pounds I'd lost. I also had no real longing to do what I had written down, I was just thinking about it.

I was still a bit confused as to why the thought of starving myself passed through my head if I didn’t have any plans on doing it, but I guess I have a lot of ideas I don’t follow through with. I wanted to feel good, even though logically I knew going back to old ways wouldn't result in that.

Though the thoughts may still be there, I think the difference between being "fully recovered" from an eating disorder or not, is if you crave to engage in symptoms. I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of the thought about losing weight, especially not with the society we live in today, but I know I don’t want to be miserable and on the brink of death because of it.