I am a 26-year old, first-year OB/GYN resident physician in Michigan. As a first-year resident, we have to do a two-week rotation in internal medicine. My rotation was unfortunately scheduled during the COVID pandemic. I knew I was going to see COVID positive patients.

I just didn't expect to have the emotions that I did.

On my second day of internal medicine, I was given sign-out on a new admission.

"22-year-old female who was admitted for suicide attempt. Patient states her boyfriend who she lives with tested positive for COVID, so we tested her. She is positive but asymptomatic."

I look around. Everyone is calm. They've been dealing with this for 3-4 weeks, but this is new territory for me. I have an N-95, I should be fine. I'm also young with no past medical history.

I'm fine. This is fine.

I walk up to "the COVID unit." Everyone is in masks, gowns, face shields, and shoe covers. They are all calm. This is normal for them. They are talking about the recent young patient who died in Detroit from COVID. This is no longer a virus that just preys on the elderly and immunocompromised. This is a virus that doesn't discriminate.

I'm older than that patient who died. I took an oath to help people and yes, I would put my life on the line but I just started my training as an actual doctor. I have many more years to practice. All of these thoughts run through my head as I walk towards my patient's room.

I switch my simple mask to my N-95. I can't breathe so that means it is working, right? I put on the shoe covers and the gown. There are at least 6-inches of my scrub bottoms visible. Is that OK? In Italy, they are fully covered and have multiple layers. I look around. Everyone else also has some of their scrub bottoms showing, so this must be right. I put on my face shield. There's no fog when I breathe. I assume my N-95 is working. I sanitize my hands and put on gloves.

I should be good to go but my heart is racing.

I knock, walk in and talk with the patient. I'm very vigilant about how long I am in the room and what I touch. The protocol is to take off the gown and gloves in the room. COVID is airborne so isn't there a chance it is on my scrubs? Whatever. Only 6 caregivers at our hospital tested positive. I'm fine. I remove my gloves and gown. I realize I am holding my breath. I quickly get out the door. Once the door is closed I take a breath. I remove my shoe covers and bathe in hand sanitizer. I clean my face shield and switch back to my simple mask. I then wash my hands and re-sanitize. I should be fine. I took the precautions and I followed protocol. This is fine.

The next day I have off so I go pick up a thermometer, Vitamin C and Vitamin B1. During table rounds, we discussed that is how we are treating patients, so I wanted to take precautions.

When I took the oath to become a doctor, I never imagined that this is what it meant. We never imagined something like this being the "new normal" in our lives and profession. Many of us have on brave faces, but that doesn't mean we aren't feeling the weight of this.