When it comes to excuses, It's not about quantity, it's about quality. I learned that from a coworker this summer. His dedication to missing work was unparalleled. I don't condone this behavior, but I admire his drive. Below, I've listed his favorite excuses in order of effectiveness. May his creativity inspire you. And may your conscience inhibit you.
1. The "Bag Leave Behind"
This is the most artful thing I've seen.
What You'll Need:
- 1 jacket you don't care about
- 1 work bag
- A great poker face
How to Succeed
For this excuse, you'll want to prepare three things: one jacket that you don't care about, one work bag and a great poker face. Thankfully, prep time shouldn't take more than 10 minutes. Act shiftless. When people ask you what's happening, tell them you're feeling off. Emphasize your dedication to making it through the work day. Get up periodically to "use the restroom." When you decide it's the right time, get up and leave. According to my coworker, people will assume you're coming back.
Why it Works
Who in their right mind leaves behind their belongings? This is the most effective method, because people are prone to rationalization. If they see your bag and jacket, two seemingly important items, they'll assume you're close by.
2. Family Crises
What You'll Need
- A strong willpower to leave
- No fear of karma
- A great poker face
How to Succeed
While it may be tempting to go full-scale, "My ____ is in the hospital," on this one... keep the lie small. It'll be easier to remember. A few of his favorites were, "My mother is sick and I'm in charge of watching her" and, "I need to pick up my little sister from school."
Why It Works
It's uncomfortable, not to mention distasteful to question family circumstances. Out of respect, I wouldn't recommend lying about these situations, but, as I witnessed this summer, it's an impenetrable excuse.
3. Apartment Crisis
What You'll Need
- A backup plan
- No fear of karma
- A great poker face
How to Succeed
Think of the most urgent, horrifying things that could happen to a renter. Then, work your way backward until you settle on a feasible excuse. We lived in New York at the time, so it was natural to claim a rat infestation. It's not something you want to be around for, but also isn't something you want taken from your security deposit or added to your never-ending list of costs.
Why It Works
It's stressful to imagine dealing with these situations. Most people are pretty understanding, and would prefer you to handle a problem with your super or landlord at the time, rather than allow the stress to distract you from the task at hand.
4. The Break In
What You'll Need
- A plausible excuse
- A great poker face
How to Succeed
This ties into the previous apartment horror-related excuse. It's urgent, unavoidable and requires your immediate presence. Choose from a selection of minor, but upsetting, infringements, including, but not limited to, burglary and vandalism.
Why It Works
People want to help, but they also don't want to pry. This is an example of faith-based story-telling.
Final Thoughts...
9/10 would recommend not doing these things.
