When conversations are a guessing game and I feel forced to weigh my worth in the "in between" of idle chatter, I quickly begin to crumble.
It's a specific kind of conversation - you may know the type. It's what happens when the words that are spoken are not the entire story of a given moment. For some reason, I get caught up in conversations or constant interactions that are mostly just me trying to analyze what is on another person's mind. I want to know how they feel about me, what I can do to be in their good graces and whatnot. At the beginning of a friendship of any kind, there is always a larger amount of this - you don't know the other person, so you do your best to figure things out simply for your own comfort around them. You want to know where you connect and how you can connect more. Then you can find your rhythm with them. But sometimes, that beginning analysis feeling becomes painfully persistent.
If that underlying tension of conversation doesn't go away, something just begins to crack.
People are good people. I've said that before. But admittedly, due to the awkward tumbleweed of a human being that I am, people make me a little nervous. I never know quite what to say t people I have just met, people I have not gotten to be as comfortable with, people who are new. When there is just no comfort and all terrified verbal tiptoeing so as not to upset someone else, there is no friendship. We fill the void with small talk, and I leave picking apart every single word I said to try and figure out what it felt like.
Sometimes, and with some people, it feels like I can't ask the questions that are on my mind. I don't know why that is the case. It's just that with some people, there doesn't reach a level of comfort. A level of feeling relaxed around them simply because I know who they are, they know who I am, and there is no need for pretending.
I have a bad habit of getting worried about who I am as a person and deciding to hide all of it, thinking that if I'm just not myself, I can't wrong anyone.
But that does nothing but wrong me.
There are people in my life who love me for me. People who see the absurdity that I am and want to move closer, not further away. That is definitely not all people. And frankly, it shouldn't be. I want to know who wants to be with me for me, who wants to stay by my side because they like my quirks, my odd hobbies, my love for weird favorite things, all of it.
When conversations are a guessing game and I am left trying to figure out how someone feels about me, I want to just keep guessing so as to not offend. But honestly, that is not the way that I can react. To find the people who want to be by my side, to find the people around whom I am comfortable, to find the people I can help make comfortable, I have to ask even the questions that feel incorrect. I have to hear the answers straight from the other person, and I have to have faith that what they tell me is genuine. I have to be willing to be open, to trust others, to be honest with them even when it might hurt.
To find a friend, I have to grapple with acquaintanceship and realize that if I don't show them who I really am, they will never have met me and we can never be friends anyways. I have to showcase everything that I am - not for a world of scrutiny, for myself. It is exhausting talking through someone else's voice, trying to converse wearing someone else's thoughts and feelings. The easiest and hardest thing I can do is be myself, and the real me is what I owe to the people around me.
When conversations are a guessing game, there is one easy way to win. Stop guessing. Start asking. Be exactly, unabashedly, entirely you.
