It has recently come to light that the Russian government played a role in making sure Donald Trump was elected president of the United States of America. This has been met with disbelief and apathy on all sides of the political spectrum simply because there has already been so much bullshit swirling around the toilet bowl that has been this election season. However this particular bit of news has led me to put on my tinfoil hat and start thinking about why the Russian government would want Donald Trump to be president. This is all I could come up with. I hope I'm proven wrong.
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I can see a future in which Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin become best friends. It's great for a while. They have sleepovers and hangouts and sit down to talk about a strong alliance between the good ol' US of A and its favorite Cold War compadre. Eventually they talk and talk until they realize that they both have a lot in common. They realize that the US and Russia are both two of the biggest superpowers in the world. They have huge amounts of oil. Like most of the oil. The best oil. But they still don't have all of it. Eventually they sit and talk and talk and start to wonder how they can get all of this oil. They know there is a lot of it in the Middle East and Donnie has already made it clear to America that they should have taken it while they had the chance. Vlad pats him on the back and says those guys don't know anything about running the world. Vlad knows about running the world.
Vlad asks Donnie what else the US and Russia have in common. Donnie replies that he thinks they both have some pretty neat buildings, but Russia could really use more Trump Towers. Vlad nods in agreement but he asks Don to think bigger, he knows he can. So the Donald says that they both have a lot of McDonald's and again Vlad patiently agrees as he pats Don on the back, making sure not to mess up that thing on his head. Vlad realizes the Socratic method isn't going to work so he asks the question one last time rhetorically. Before Donnie can get answer out of his mouth Vlad gets right up next to his ear and whispers, "Nukes."
Donald looks at Vlad as a Grinch-like smile creeps over their faces. They talk a little bit longer about unifying the entire world under one flag. No one would make them use the nukes, right? They think of all of the good they could do if everyone just listened to them. They talk about all of the bad people they could catch all over the world if they teamed up and took the fight to them. If they teamed up Donald didn't think that there would be anyone to stop them. Vlad agrees. Donald comes up with the great idea to give them some kind of name. Vlad knows how much Don loves nicknames. After talking about it for awhile they agree on The United States of Soviet Russia and America, or the USSRA. They both like the sound of that.
