My first mascara was Maybelline Great Lash in brownish-black. I was twelve years old, and itching to coat my fair lashes in synthetic color. I wanted to look and feel beautiful, and I thought that meant caking one's face in as much makeup as possible. My first few times applying mascara revolved around looking as "madeup" as possible with clumps of sticky black liquid sprouting from my eyes. I spent the next seven years hiding behind BB cream, concealer, and translucent powder. I never walked into high school or middle school without any makeup. It was not until recently that I realized the freedom that comes with not wearing makeup. I am not against makeup (I enjoy "experimenting" with it) or people that choose to wear it, but I noticed a change in my self-image and my mood when I allowed myself to go makeup free in public.

I did not experience an epiphanic moment of self-love when I went makeup free for the first time, but I felt relieved that I did not have to look in the mirror every so often to make sure my makeup had not smudged, creased, or flaked. Instead, I spent more energy focusing on the people around me and what I had to do (whether that was school, extracurriculars, laundry, or relaxing). I felt more relaxed and mindful than I had in years as a result.

Although, I was reluctant, I took a selfie and posted it on Instagram. I felt as if I had removed my armor and was entering the world defenseless. Because of my physical disability, I struggle with never feeling feminine or sexy. Makeup has always been a weapon I have used to combat these feelings, but without it, I was forced to face the reality of it; the problem is not my face or my body, but it is my perception and also the perception of the world around me. One of the first steps in changing my perception of myself is accepting myself with and without makeup. When I accept myself, I tend to be more confident, which enables me to be more sociable.

Admittedly, I still wear makeup often and doubt myself. Too often, I succumb to the pressure to "prove" myself to the world--prove that I am just as intelligent, beautiful, sexy, and funny as my able-bodied peers. Despite struggling, I strive to be more aware of my self-perception everyday. Somedays that involves wearing makeup and other days it does not.