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If I Were a Contestant on 'The Bachelor'

Heck yeah, I would go on "The Bachelor!"

Rachel Harmon

Aug 08, 2016

Marquette University

110

If I Were a Contestant on 'The Bachelor'

The Bert Show

We've all been there: watching "The Bachelor" or one of its spin-offs on a Monday night dreaming of what it would be like to be made into a TV personality and forced to live with all those people who are all dating the same person and who all seem a little off their rockers. We can't help but to ask, "Would I be the fan favorite? Would I even make it past the first rose ceremony? Would I be the designated crazy one?"

Well, if I were a contestant on "The Bachelor":

1. I would have an odd occupation.

To be honest, a small part of me aspires to make dog loving into a career, and now I know it's possible. Thanks, Bachelor Franchise!

2. I would be a semi-fan favorite.

I would be no Ben Higgins because nobody is that perfect. But I'm not crazy like Ashley I. either.

Girl, how large are your tear ducts? Seriously.

3. I would become best friends with Chris Harrison.

That's all I want in life. Really. That's it.

4. I would most definitely come back for "Bachelor in Paradise."

I live for this show: the epitome of keeping it classy and keeping it trashy. Also, Jorge, Chris and I would be the best of friends.

5. I would be the funny one that actually makes it somewhat far.

Like The Chad.

Or my girl, Kaitlyn.

6. I would be the star of the bloopers.

7. I would not approve of the group dates requiring too much physical activity.

"You want me to play rugby for the chance of a few extra hours with you spent with four other ladies? Yeah, no. I'm out."

8. I might be painted as one of the crazies.

But I'd be friendly-crazy not crazy-crazy...hopefully.

9. I would be the one to crack a few sex jokes.

10. I would not get the first impression rose.

Unless, the bachelor likes a woman who's a little too quirky, enjoys eating a little too much and actually takes pride in not exercising as much as she should.

11. I would not be a size 2 nor tan.

Really, Bachelor Franchise? It's time to cast some average-looking people for once.

12. I would not have a sad background story.

I would only be the underdog if all the viewers somehow fell in love with me and wanted to see me win the whole thing despite my lack of femininity, cosmetic knowledge or toned thighs.

13. I would stay far, far away from the crazy ones.

I would just enjoy my day-drinking and afternoon entertainment of catty gossip and teasing b*tch fights. I wouldn't get crazy...I swear.

14. At the end of the day, I probably would hate the whole experience.

That mansion would lose its charm. I'd be sent home, reunited with my cell phone after months of exhaustive filming and later paid even more to say that I actually had the time of my life. Yay for "reality" TV!

Despite how much I hate this show, I love it just as much - if not more. So keep obsessing over tears and split drinks, Bachelor Nation! Because it doesn't seem that this franchise will die anytime soon. Happy gossiping!

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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If I Were a Contestant on 'The Bachelor'

Heck yeah, I would go on "The Bachelor!"

1. I would have an odd occupation.

2. I would be a semi-fan favorite.

3. I would become best friends with Chris Harrison.

4. I would most definitely come back for "Bachelor in Paradise."

5. I would be the funny one that actually makes it somewhat far.

6. I would be the star of the bloopers.

7. I would not approve of the group dates requiring too much physical activity.

8. I might be painted as one of the crazies.

9. I would be the one to crack a few sex jokes.

10. I would not get the first impression rose.

11. I would not be a size 2 nor tan.

12. I would not have a sad background story.

13. I would stay far, far away from the crazy ones.

14. At the end of the day, I probably would hate the whole experience.

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No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

Please hold your blonde joke.

1. "Is Elle Woods your spirit animal?"

2. "Is that your natural hair color?"

3. "Oh wow, you get good grades at school?"

4. "You must really like the color pink!"

5. "You’re probably not into sports, right?"

6. "You must have such a bubbly personality."

7. "Your wardrobe must consist of all things preppy."

8. "What sorority are you in?"

9. "You were probably a cheerleader in high school."

10. "You look like you’re from L.A. because your hair is so light."

11. "You definitely like Pumpkin Spiced Lattes from Starbucks!"

12. "Do you actually think blondes have more fun?"

13. "You must encompass the typical “white girl” stereotype."

14. "Is that daddy’s credit card you’re using?"

15. "So all of your friends are blonde too?"

16. "I’m surprised about you; I thought you would be a lot ditsier."

The world's greatest university meets the world's greatest show.

1. When you get your acceptance letter

2. When you try to figure out how class enrollment works

3. When it’s move in day

4. When you arrive on campus and see all of the attractive people

5. FROG Week

6. When you find your squad

7. When you visit DHall (RIP) or EHall for the first time

8. When you take on way too many credits

9. When you go to your first party at JMU

10. When the rival school shows up for the homecoming game (or any game really)

11. Sunday Brunch

12. When you see the infamous “preacher” for the first time

13. The first snow day

14. Madipalooza

15. When finals week rolls around

16. When you have to say goodbye

17. And when you finally get to go back

Do you have a small get-together or throw a big bash?

1. Your family and friends ask what you want for your birthday, so you give them a list of options.

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