Why do we make friends? This is a question that, if left unaddressed, I believe will come back to haunt us when we wake up one day and don’t know why we love people outside of our family.
To avoid the act of making friends for selfish reasons, in his writings On the Good Life, Cicero offers some insight into why have friends; but more importantly he discusses what true friendships are all about. The following are some of the most important points outlined in his treatise, Laelius – On Friendship:
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- We should enjoy affection, rather than profit.
We all know those friends that we have or used to have that are only around because we need them to fulfill something. This is what we can consider a profitable friendship as we are acquainted with them only insofar that we may receive what they have to offer.
While this may not seem like a bad thing, it isn’t the most fulfilling type of friendship, contrary to what we might think. If we give our affection to another person without expecting a reciprocal act, the feeling we should receive would be affection – thing we should enjoy most about our friendships.
- We should have their best interests in mind, without humble-pride.
Just to clear things up, by humble-pride I mean ‘recognizing our own humility, therefore discrediting it.’ Though paradoxical by nature, this is easily practiced. Just wish your friends well and do something about it. By emptying ourselves to others we should find that soon we will be brimming with happiness. While it may seem an easy task, the hardest part is reminding ourselves that we must give to receive.
- Initial attraction: qualities of a good friend.
Keep in mind that Cicero believed that people’s goodness played the biggest role in discerning the qualities of a good friend. I believe his quote sums it up perfectly:
Goodness exercises an altogether exceptional appeal and incentive towards the establishment of affection. People who possess this quality can inspire love in us even if we have never set eyes on them … Since that is the situation, it is scarcely surprising that our spirits are stirred when we believe we discern virtue and excellence in people who are really available for us to form an intimate association with. These feelings are naturally intensified if we receive kind treatment from someone – for that means they like us. Another source of friendly treatment is to see a lot of someone in one’s daily life. Add all these factors to the original friendly impulse, and the result will be a truly splendid and substantial glow of affection.
Reflection is the most important part of knowing where we stand in our friendships, and practice is the only way we can know if our friendships are good. To know that our friends truly love us merely for the sake of pure affection is something we all desire.
I end with one last quote from our main man Cicero: “No one can be a friend unless he is a good man. But next to goodness itself, I entreat you to regard friendship as the finest thing in all the world.”
