Let's be honest: this country has failed us when it comes to talking about consent. Last week, the Salt Lake Tribune held a panel on consent and sexual assault at the University of Utah. One of the panelists, Saeed Shihab, talked about how consent was practically a foreign language for him when he first came to the University. It's not something that gets talked about in high school very often. It sure as crap didn't get talked about in my high school. If I hadn't been one of those kids to spend eighty-five percent of their time scrolling through Tumblr in high school, I would still understand very little about consent as a sophomore in college. Which, is a major issue.

So first of all, I'd like to make consent very simple for anyone that has trouble understanding, or has not had the opportunity to become educated about it: if it's not an explicit yes, it's a no.

"But what if--?"

No. If it's not an explicit yes, it's a no. No buts, no what ifs. This is one of the few things that is completely black and white.

If you want to have sex with someone, and they are unable to tell you "yes" explicitly and clearly, it's still a no. If they are too drunk to say no, it's still a no. If they are asleep or passed out, it's still a no.

Now, because I go to BYU, my community consists almost entirely of Mormons. There are a few things about consent I'd like to address specifically within a Mormon culture, because as little as it gets talked about in high school and in general, it gets talked about less within our culture. Sex is taboo. It's something that is saved for marriage, so our culture has managed to make it seem like sex is dirty, sinful, shameful. Which is not true. Members of the LDS church do believe that sex before marriage is a sin, but that does not make the act inherently sinful, and it sure as hell doesn't make it shameful.

Let's take a look at Milton's Paradise Lost for a moment to explain what I mean by this. Paradise Lost is an epic poem telling the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and the circumstances of their Fall. The epic consists of twelve books of verse, and the Fall occurs in Book IX. That is, Book IX is where Eve is tempted by Satan and eats the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. Adam, when learning what his wife has done, also eats the fruit because, although he knows what it will mean for him, he can't bear to live without Eve. The epic includes a few sexual encounters: one in Book IV, and one in Book IX, after the Fall. In Book IV, Adam and Eve are completely innocent. Their sex is defined by love, and not by lust. It is within the bonds of marriage, it is pure, and it is sacred. They are unified as a couple. However, in Book IX, after they eat the fruit, they are much more aware of what they can get out of the other while having sex. They are lustful. It's about sexual pleasure, not about unification as a couple.

According to Milton, their first encounter is not sinful. Their second, however, is.

Unfortunately, as an LDS culture, we tend to see all sex as the second example, even when between a couple happily married and seeking to start a family. Sex is never talked about. And then Mormons marry young and have no idea how to have sex safely, how to talk about sex with their spouse, or how to talk about consent.

I want to be straightforward: even within marriage consent is mandatory. Just because you are married to someone doesn't mean you are obligated to have sex with them, even when you don't want to.

Just because you are married to someone doesn't mean they are obligated to have sex with you when they don't want to.

Here's what needs to happen:

1) High schools need to talk about consent.

Sex education needs to become less about abstinence and more about talking about sex, the dangers of unprotected sex, how to have sex safely, and the importance of consent. High school students should not be walking onto their college campuses and learning about consent for the first time after joining a fraternity that partners with Rape Recovery Center, which is what happened to Shihab. High school students should gain a clear understanding of consent. They should understand that if someone is unable to say yes, it needs to be taken as a no. If someone says no, don't try to coerce them into saying yes. The only circumstances in which it is okay to have sex with someone is when that person explicitly tells you yes.

2) Colleges, especially BYU, need to be more understanding toward victims of rape and sexual assault.

BYU is heading in the right direction: recently President Kevin J. Worthen accepted all of the recommendations given during the Title IX investigation, including an amnesty clause to the Honor Code. BYU will not be opening Honor Code investigations of sexual assault victims, which is an amazing step forward. But, especially on college campuses, sexual assault is under reported, and it doesn't help that we just elected a President known to have been a perpetrator of sexual assault. If women can step forward and accuse a man of sexual assault, and we still elect him president, it's no wonder women don't step forward and report sexual assault. This needs to change. And it can be changed through education, compassion, and understanding.

3) We need better education.

Parents: talk to you children about consent. Jessica Luther, another panelist in the Tribune's consent panel last week, says that she teaches her eight-year old son about consent by asking him if he wants a hug. If he says no, she is okay with it. These are practices that will help children understand as they grow up that physical intimacy does not need to be forced on them, whether its a hug from a family member or sex with their spouse when they grow up.

4) Within the Church, let's talk about sex.

Let's talk about consent. We can teach abstinence in the Church, obviously, because it is something we believe strongly in. I believe very strongly in my personal commitment to save sex for marriage. But let's talk about how not everyone in the world shares that commitment. Let's talk about how to talk about sex with people outside of the Church without shaming them for their own sexual preferences. Let's talk about safe sex, let's talk about consent within marriage, and let's talk about communication between spouses. The more we talk about it, the less taboo it becomes. The more we talk about it, the more comfortable with it we will become.

Here's what you can do: talk to your friends about consent. Talk about sex and consent even if it's uncomfortable. Contact your school board administrations and state Departments of Education and let them know you are against abstinence-only sex education, so that high school students can enter college and adulthood understanding sex and consent much better than they do now. This does not need to be a subject that remains behind doors.

Let's talk about consent. Let's talk about it all the time.