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Politics and Activism

What To Do Now That You’ve Conquered Humanity

Some thoughts for those post-supreme-victory blues.

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What To Do Now That You’ve Conquered Humanity
By Alexander Z. - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0,

Congratulations, you’ve done it. Armies lay shattered beneath your heel. The peoples of every nation on the planet submit themselves to your will. You are the undisputed master of all the Earth.

Now what?

You didn’t really think about that, did you? What with the superweapon building and the political maneuvering, the high-tech infiltrations, the battlefield stratagems, the spreading of propaganda, the management of all those supply chains, the rousing speeches to your numberless horde and the visits from your tailor to make sure the villainous cape and cowl accentuated just the right lines in your figure so you seemed simultaneously alluring and imposing, you had forgotten about what you intended to do once the whole thing was over.

There was some kind of ideological reason towards the beginning, wasn’t there? Equality or greatness or safety or glory, or something? Now that you’re on the top, it just seems so much more complicated. Documents pile up on your desk detailing this and that issue of your new peace. The New Zealanders want better terms for their sheep trade. Your General wants permission to use nukes on the Texan rebels. So much detail goes into this whole world-ruling thing! How are you supposed to get anything done?


I feel your pain, friend (or ‘Oh Glorious Supreme Leader’ if you prefer). It’s hard ruling the world when you don’t have a clear overall goal. When you were still at war, the goal was simple: win the war and take over the world! But, like playing Candy Box (do not follow that link if you value your time) after finishing all of the content, it just feels empty now (even as your candy box is so very full).

Your first instinct might just be to rest on your laurels, maybe enjoy some of that endless wealth you’ve won for yourself. Maybe dive into a pool of gold things, Scrooge McDuck style, or hire a thousand prostitutes, or eat one of every animal known to Man prepared personally by Gordon Ramsey. You could do that. It might even be fun! But, alas, the hedonic treadmill dictates that eventually, you would tire of such worldly pleasures. All the wealth and power in the world won’t keep you titillated and fulfilled forever.

So what was the point of it all then? That’s not a rhetorical question (well, I suppose it is being used to advance rhetoric, but I am not implying there is no answer). It’s trite to point it out but given that you have just conquered everything ever owned by an and have achieved essentially no extra fulfillment from all that wealth and power. What did you do it all for, then?

Well, if you’re a halfway normal human being I’d say you did it to help out your species, to make a difference. Given your position and your inclination towards some form of victory, you must be careful to recognize that once your human opponents are defeated, a shift in your view of the situation is necessary. It’s not "us versus them" anymore. You’ve won, every person on the planet is part of your "us," but it’s hard to motivate people when they don’t have some convenient scapegoat. This is why Lyndon Johnson declared a War on Poverty, why we call it thewar on drugs, the war on terror. Humans get positively tingly when someone offers us some clear-cut enemy we’re sanctioned to go bash, castrate or tackle, but now that all the easy targets are out of the way, your new enemy must be something all of humanity can unite against.


That’s where things like disease, poverty and unhappiness come in, as Lyndon Johnson, and Emperor Trajan knew. Perhaps not a viscerally engaging as other forms of conquest, but they should still do to fill the gap, so long as you keep diversionary hatred to a minimum and prevent breakouts of more violence. Build schools, hospitals, improve infrastructure and intelligently design your systems to deliver everything a human needs, as efficiently as possible. There are always kinks in the structure of society, and you are uniquely positioned to fix those problems. Make the most of it.

However, it is not enough to stop there. You may get significant satisfaction out of fixing all the issues that plague our society, and this kind of maintenance may always be necessary, but it tends to get a bit boring, and dammit, you're a human being! Set your sights higher!

Sure, you took over the world, but there’s a whole universe out there that could be yours! Maybe you don’t have to give up on that old instinct towards conquest at all. Maybe the conquest can continue until every speck of light in the sky, every planet in the galaxy and every galaxy in the universe is teeming with life and society and civilization and wonder. (Insert evil laugh here)

Maybe this goal is impossible, but at the very least, it gives you something to work towards, so you don’t end up instituting some bizarre dystopian societal strategy in an attempt to "fix" the problems once and for all. Don't do that. Seriously, do not listen to your crazy hooded advisor who wants to 'cleanse' the people. Do not randomly commit massive atrocities just because. Why on Earth would they be less likely to rebel if you are constantly holding deathmatches with their children? Just don't do it. I understand you might want to make a compelling narrative for some upstart village hero to latch onto, but it really is much better for everyone involved if you just rule the world like a normal, sane person who likes not being killed by angry, rebellious teenagers.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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