"F-E-A-R has two meanings: 'Forget Everything and Run,' or 'Face Everything and Rise.' The choice is yours"
-Unknown
Don’t be mislead by the cover photo, this article won’t be about tackling your fear of heights. That’s not the type of fear I’m talking about (although I’ll admit, heights do give me anxiety too). I’m talking about the real life situations that give you nightmares. The ones that can be ground shaking, and even life-changing for some. The truth about these fears is that everybody has them, and they are all just a part of life. Everyone handles them differently, but for most of us, we won’t be able to go our entire lives without facing them.
This spring I had to face mine head on, and now that I have gotten through that, I know that everyone is capable of doing the same. So here’s what happened~
On the last day of spring break this year, I decided to go for a bike ride on a mountain trail with my dad. I never would have guessed that my life would have changed just from this one decision. Backpedaling a little here (no pun intended), I am a clutz. An accident waiting to happen. I am constantly tripping, falling, hurting myself somehow, and breaking things. So was mountain biking the best idea considering I hadn’t even been on a bicycle in almost a year? Nope, I wouldn’t say so. Anyways… my dad and I get to the trail, suit up, and go. I let my dad go first as we always do when we ride together. As I’m riding along, I watch him dip into the slight fall and gain momentum into the trail. My turn next. I stand up to gain balance to prepare to do the same, but something stops me. A tree root. I hit a tree root and lost my balance.
This next part is still a blur for me but what I think happened was I stuck my leg out as I was falling, my foot got caught in a pile of rocks, and my entire body weight plus my bike forced itself onto my foot, causing my ankle to invert and then… *CRACK*
It is truly amazing how one second, just one second, can really change the course of your future.
Fast forward to the hospital, and after an agonizing car ride and crippling anxiety, I wait 2 hours for the ER doc to tell me “You really did a number on your ankle. I’m going to refer you to an orthopedic surgeon for a follow up.” You just had to word it like that didn’t you?
“Will I have to have surgery?”
“Well I will refer you to the surgeon and he will determine if he can just set and cast it or if you will need surgery to repair the fractures.”
“So will I have to have surgery?”
“I don’t really have the technology here to determine that”
BS...all you need is an X-Ray. You just don't know because you're not a specialist and your ego is too big to admit to that. I was high on Vicodin at this point, but still had a haunting feeling in the pit of my stomach because deep down I knew.
Here is where the fear comes in. I’m not afraid of doctors or hospitals. I’m not afraid of needles or pain or even bikes at this point. I am afraid of losing control, and I knew having surgery meant I would lose control in a big way….because I would be administered general anesthesia. Before this happened, there were no words to describe this fear to you. I had had the most vivid nightmares of going under, waking up in the middle of surgery, and not being able to move or speak. I would think to myself every time I woke up from those nightmares...It's okay, you won't have to have surgery. That will never happen...
My nightmares seemed to come alive as I sat in my now surgeon's office as he studied my X-Rays. I love medicine, and naturally would love studying the X-Rays right along with him. In that moment, all I could let myself see was a black and white cartoon image of someone's foot. I couldn't see the fracture. I'm not in that much pain. Can't you just put a cast on me and let me go?
"So I have to have surgery?"
"Yes. You see...blah blah blah...arthritis blah blah blah"
"Can't I just be in a cast?"
"Well, no. Healing will take longer....blah blah blah"
"What about anesthesia? Can't you just give me a nerve block and put me in twilight sleep so I don't have to go under?"
"We don't really do it that way, and trust me, you do not want to be awake for this surgery."
Um, yes. Yes I do. I then proceeded to have a panic attack right there in his office.
I was scheduled to have the surgery 10 days from them. I spent the next ten days on the love seat in the living room. My cats knew something was up because they practically took shifts cuddling with me, which was very unusual. One of them was always by my side. God, I love my cats. Anyways… I spent those next ten days doing everything BUT facing that fear.
I researched for hours on what anesthesia was, which actually made it even more scary. You know you aren’t actually asleep for it. The doctor, using a magical cocktail of drugs, has to paralyze just the right parts of your nervous system so that you aren’t conscious, you can’t move, and so you won’t remember anything.
How else can I try to get out of this?
I contacted friends, Reddit, family members, and you name it to try to find comfort in what this experience might be like, and if there was a way out of it. Other days I would just sit there doped on pain meds trying to actually convince myself none of this was really happening. Come surgery day to finally accept that there wasn’t. I remember going to church the day before and getting anointed by my priest. He told me to submit to my fears and let God have them, because the hardest part is the healing. Now he wasn’t speaking literally referring to my ankle but it still applied.
The next day, I was still scared, but I was calm and prepared. I prayed harder than I had in years that night, and clearly God protected me and the whole anesthesia thing was slightly irrational because I'm still here. I didn't wake up in the middle of the procedure either.
I woke up from the surgery like this, dazed and confused. I didn't remember falling asleep and sure as heck didn't think I could have possibly made it through already.
"Hey nurse, is it over?"
"Yep! You're in recovery now!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Sweetheart. You're all done and fixed now"
We had this same exchange several times before it sunk in. Maybe it was just because I had Diluadid pumping in my system, but at that point I felt like the luckiest, happiest person alive.
Progress: It doesn't look like cartoon scribble to me anymore!
Gotta represent JMU.
My priest must have been on to something that day because he was right, the healing part has been way harder than the fear. It was kind of a freak accident that may not happen to everyone, but taught me a valuable lesson and has significantly changed me for the better over the course of the last several months. Because of this, because of being forced to tackle this fear head on, I am stronger. I know more now what I am capable and how to push down my mental barriers, because that is 90 percent of the battle. My faith in God is even stronger because I know for a fact now that He will always protect me. I also know that it is okay to show weakness and to need to lean on others.
I hope you can take this and apply it to your life and whatever situation you may be facing. Fear is a normal part of life, and is meant to be a positive thing. You want fear to help you protect yourself from getting hurt, but you shouldn’t let it rule you and who you are. It is okay to lean on others, it is okay to be scared, it is okay to be weak. I was forced to face my fear and rise above it, but that might not happen to you. You might have to make that decision on your own-you can do this.
Thank you to my mom, dad, and Brad for taking care of me. To my surgeon and nurses for fixing me. To my physical therapist for helping me get back on my feet. To Faher Meng for blessing me. To my youth minister, Kathy Lord. To my professors for being understanding and helping me get through the rest of the semester. To my roommate, Abby, for helping me with everything and anything I needed. To Tyler for being there for me and supporting me. And to all my friends that still hung out with me and accommodated for the fact that I couldn't walk. I truly appreciate it, I couldn't have done this without you.
