I am a confused bisexual. I am not confused about my sexuality, though that was not always true (see: seventh grade). However, there are many things in the world that I am confused about.

1. Logarithms

I know I learned about them in my junior year of high school, and I have a very clear picture of what was written on the board that day, but I have no idea how to manipulate or solve them. When I took the SAT I couldn’t remember how to do them and later had a nightmare about Logs. I am very confused about logarithms.

2. The distinction between pigeons and doves

If you don’t know this, pigeons and doves are the same kinds of bird, but one (doves) are revered as a symbol of peace while the other (pigeons) are the outcasts of the bird kingdom and seen as dirty and bad. I don’t think the birds made this distinction between their colors, but I think I know who did… However, I will remain confused until someone can explain this to me.

3. How anyone can drink milk

How anyone can just drink a glass of regular old cow’s milk confuses and disgusts me. The thought of the texture and smell of a glass of milk makes my stomach curdle like the carton in the back of your fridge. Humans are naturally lactose intolerant and needed to train their bodies to be able to handle drinking it at the dawn of this milk drinking mayhem. Please keep your milk away from me.

4. Designs on paper towels

Why do they have them? The textures are one thing, but when you start painting flowers or geometric patterns on them, you’re just giving yourself more work than really is necessary. Who picks paper towels for their designs? Not this confused bisexual lady.

5. Why people hate crunchy peanut butter

Crunchy is obviously superior to smooth. The texture, the taste, the experience is so much more satisfying with crunchy. Anyone who says differently is horribly misinformed and confused.

6. The concept of eternity

Eternity was a hot topic in my Anthropology class this week while we covered comparative religions. Eternity is everything that has ever been, is or will be. Every layer of time, existence and — like — everything is made up in eternity. I am confused. Think about it. I like to think of Eternity as a sphere. Make a sphere with your hands, then expand it infinitely in all directions across the universe and through time. That’s eternity, an infinite plane and you just created it, so are you the center? Wouldn’t everyone, theoretically, be the center of eternity? Did God make eternity? Is God, as an archetype, the source or the manifestation?

7. Mike Pence

Why do you want to kill me, Mike Pence? Conversion therapy? Shutting down HIV treatment centers? His stance on abortion and contraception? Get out of my pants, Pence, and stay out of my friends’ too.

8. Donald Trump

Enough. Said. #NotMyPresident

Yes, I am confused, but my sexuality has nothing to do with it.