Dear lovely humans that are confused about your sexuality,
I am with you, and I understand. It's a rough time. Especially if you were confident about what your sexuality was, and then your viewpoint changed.
From about 2016 up until late 2019, I identified as asexual. It was a very long process to figure out who I was. I never understood people that would have sex with other people, because I just personally thought it was uncomfortable and could not be enjoyable to me. Over the years, I went from identifying as a bi-romantic asexual, bi-romantic graysexual, bi-romantic demisexual, and then back to bi-romantic asexual. I planned on waiting until marriage, not for any religious reasons, but just because if I was to marry someone, I knew that they would be willing to live with my extremely low sex drive.
Then, in October of 2019, things changed. I met a guy on a dating app, and I went into the mindset that maybe I could be a "normal teenager" and hook up with him. He sweet talked me, telling me that I could stay the night, and that he really liked me. I really fell for his tricks.
I went to meet him, and everything was great. He was sweet, and made me feel comfortable with something I used to despise. We had sex three times that night. The first two times were alright, if I'm going to be honest. I had a good time. And then the third time, he started to pressure me to "dominate him" and "take control." I repeatedly told him that I wasn't comfortable or okay with that yet, and that I wasn't feeling confident. Despite my protests and my lack of consent, he still pressured me and made me feel that I had to. So I did. And I ended up crying and leaving in the middle of the night while he was asleep, feeling incredibly unsafe. He assaulted me, and that has still been hard to process.
Now here's the thing: I had a good time before the assault occurred. I enjoyed having sex, and understood why people liked the act. But how could I like it? I was asexual, right?
Well, I still don't know. I know I am definitely bi. There is no doubt in that. My sexuality though? Who knows? Sometimes I feel like I am still asexual; I still get uncomfortable around the topic of sex. Then there are other times where I want to hook up with someone just for the fun of it.
Being confused about your sexuality isn't fun. I haven't felt so lost since before 2016. I know I don't need a label, but it certainly would help me figure out who I am and what I like.
So if you don't know who you are either, I completely understand. I hope we can both figure out who we are soon.
