I am on my way to the school library to meet with a group of classmates to work on a group project that is due. I am wearing long sleeves and long pants. It is 60 degrees outside. I begin to worry because:

By the time I get to the library, I'll probably break a sweat. I have to work on a group project, but my group members are going to notice that I'm all sweaty. I'll just lie and say that I just came from the gym. I wonder what people think when I tell them that I'm going to the gym...? They probably don't believe me because I'm fat. Fat people don't go to the gym. Wow, I'm hungry. Thank goodness I brought food. Wait, they're already thinking I'm too fat for the gym and now I'm about to eat food in front of them. They're seriously going to think I'm so fat. They probably hate me so much. I'm a few minutes late. They're probably all there right now talking about me. They're probably saying that I'm unreliable. You're no good. I bet they regret feeling sorry for me and asking me to be in their group. I have no real friends. Maybe I would have more friends if I went out on weekends. I hate going out though. I hate having to interact with a ton of people that I don't know. I only have fun at parties when I'm drunk. But I hate getting drunk, because when I get drunk, I get depressed. Then I'll wake up feeling hungover. Then I'll feel like crap all day tomorrow, which means I probably won't end up going to the gym.

NO. Go to the gym. Do not quit this. You WILL lose weight. So what if you gained weight in your attempt number 9873287652 to lose weight. It's ok. Think positively. No. No, you can't think positively anymore. It's frustrating. You've been so good, but you have seen no results. This is so hard. STOP. You are not doing this to lose weight...remember? I am doing this so that I can be healthy and so that I can be strong. I want to get stronger so I can get better at rock climbing. I wish I had someone to go rock climbing with. I thought I found somebody who would always be down to rock climbing with me. We honestly could have had an amazing relationship but he won't give me the time of day. He's too busy. YOU ARE TOO BUSY. No, honestly, I could handle a relationship right now. He's choosing to not put effort in because you're not good enough for him. You're not attractive enough. You're too fat. You're not good at anything. You don't have your life together. You are such a mess.

I literally don't know how I'm functioning right now. When did I go to bed last night? I seriously need to start going to bed earlier. What's the difference? If I go to bed early, I just lie awake even longer than when I go to bed later. I seriously could use a nap. But then I wouldn't want to get back up. I can't just sleep the rest of my day away. Should I get coffee? Can I even afford a cup of coffee right now? You're such a pathetic excuse for an "adult." Why are you so bad with money? You literally have to marry a guy that's great with money, because you will never learn on your own. You're stupid.

No, honestly, I'm not that stupid. I'm doing such a great job in school this semester, other than math class. Maybe if you paid attention in math, you'd actually be doing well in it. I just can't focus for that long. I have such a hard time listening to her when I can easily get away with being on my phone in class the entire time. All you do is scroll through feeds and wait for texts from people that you know are never going to text you. He doesn't like you. Get it through your head. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? You know you're just hurting yourself more and more every single day and nothing is ever going to change between you two. He probably found somebody better. Somebody that can actually make him happy. Somebody who is a lot hotter than you.

Oh my gosh, I accidentally just let that door slam in that girl's face. I need to go back and apologize. That makes me look so bad. What if she is rude to me about it? Maybe I just won't say anything. I really should. Ok well, she's out of sight and it would be weird if I ran after her. Now you'll never have a chance to apologize. You're a horrible person.
Maybe that wouldn't have happened if I could just stop overthinking stuff. I overthink everything. It's so annoying. My group looks annoyed that I'm late. It's literally only 5 minutes. They need to relax. Everybody is so uptight. No. I'm just not uptight enough. I need to start being more responsible. I just don't care anymore....

In just a short five minute walk to the library, my mind was bombarded.
Overwhelmed.
Stressed out.
Nervous.
Tense.
Worried.
Afraid.
Trapped.
Unsure.
Self-conscious.

Anxiety has this grossly misleading stigma associated with it. People think that anxiety is just having panic attacks all the time and hyperventilating into a brown paper bag.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety for 12 years. And though I have had my fair share of panic attacks, I have never once hyperventilated into a brown paper bag. But to be honest, the panic attacks aren't even the worst part of having chronic anxiety. You may be asking yourself why I switched between "you" and "I" in my internal monologue. This was not a mistake. I know that I am not supposed to switch my point of view halfway through a piece of writing. However, this is such a normal aspect of anxiety that nobody ever wants to talk about. It's not a multiple personality disorder type of thing. (Yes, I've been asked about that before.) It's simply that I have my own thoughts, and then I have the thoughts that are tainted by the anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression are the "little demons" that talk to me and "possess" my mind. I try to be positive by being louder and more in control of my own thoughts, but sometimes the anxiety/depression simply overshadow me. They take control, and suddenly, I am telling myself that I'm not good enough, and that there's something wrong with me. I keep telling myself that it's pathetic that I haven't gotten over my anxiety yet, despite all of the counseling and medication. Nothing seems to work. So I am not normal.

There is something wrong with me.

I swear, I say that every day. I realize that there are people out there other than me that are suffering from the exact same mental illness. In fact, I know that there are millions of people in the world who suffer from a chronic anxiety disorder, yet I let the anxiety tell me on a daily basis that I'm some kind of freak of nature because I can't silence those oppressive voices of anxiety and depression.

I'm a failure.

You're probably wondering what point I'm trying to make with this article. I've kind have been a little bit ambiguous about the message that I'm trying to convey. First and foremost: an authentic internal monologue (or should I say dialogue...) of a five minute long battle within my own mind, and the extreme amount of vacillation that takes place in such a short amount of time. Secondly, I wanted to give some personal reflection and explanation of what it feels like to live with anxiety on a daily basis. What it ACTUALLY feels like. Not what society tells us it feels like. Or looks like.

Only some days does the anxiety manifest itself in a physical way that's obvious enough for others to notice. Most days it is contained within myself and I am able to just stay quiet. Staying quiet is the easiest; however, staying quiet does not help to fight the stigma. I am standing up to the negative stigma that surrounds anxiety and depression. It is only a part of who I am.

I AM NOT DEFINED BY MY MENTAL HEALTH DISORDER.