Being a girl can really suck sometimes. Not only are we expected to look a certain way, talk a certain way, act a certain way--but we're also up against others trying to achieve the exact same thing (and who are usually doing it 10 times better). Except the competition doesn't even exist--it's just something our brains have convinced us is real.

It’s hard to live life when your brain is constantly working against you. I worry a lot about my appearance. A lot. And the worst part is that 90% of the time I don’t even notice how terrible I am to myself--it wasn’t until my hairdresser called me out on it that I realized something was off.

“Okay, what are we doing today?
“Maybe only cut it to here because I look weird if it’s any shorter than this, and at the wrong angle it totally makes me look fatter. Oh, and please cut my bangs but leave them longer because if they’re too short my forehead looks weird and my wavy hair totally takes over, but if I don’t have any bangs when it’s up I look like a freak.”
“What’s your natural hair like?
“I like it straight by it’s super frizzy. And curly doesn’t always work. It’s dumb.”
“What’s your hair routine like?”
“…hahaha I have no idea. I suck at being a girl. What am I doing here? I shouldn’t be here.”
And that’s when she stopped the conversation because in a span of three questions and 30 seconds I had ripped myself apart and didn’t even notice. In fact, I was giggling about it. She was shocked but this was my everyday conversation in my head. It's my normal.

I can’t tell you when it started (actually, based on similar conversations with junior high girls... it was probably in junior high) but at some point, my brain decided that I was not good enough compared to those around me. There is a constant struggle with my sub-conscious to achieve perfection by my own unreachable standards. Give me five minutes in Target and I’ll have secretly called myself too fat, too small, not girly enough, too girly, and only look at two colors of clothes because obviously, everything else looks terrible on me. Very uplifting.

So, when I cut my hair and no one noticed for several days, I got smacked with the reality that maybe, just maybe, no one is watching as closely as I am. Maybe they don’t really care what I look like because they're busy with way more important things. So why do I care so much?

I don’t hold anyone to my own standards. I’m not in a constant judgy state where I’m secretly bashing everyone around me on how they look--in fact, if someone around me cut their hair I probably wouldn’t notice either--instead, I’m focused on their emotions, their character, and the way they present themselves. I notice when there is a significant change, not in their physical appearance, but in their mental and emotional state. And when I do see their physical appearance, it's because I'm admiring how beautiful they are, how perfectly their makeup is done, and their non-frizzy prom-ready hair. Why can't I see the same positive features in myself?

The problem with feeling like I never look as good as the people around me can also manifest itself into believing that I’m not as worthy as the people around me--especially with friends, relationships, and jobs. Because obviously if I can’t be tall/pretty/skinny/hipster/unique/organized/girly enough, then no one will like me, and I’ll be a weird short ginger freak. It’s exhausting and humiliating. It’s also isolating, as there are days where my anxiety convinces me that I shouldn’t even hang out with people because I would just be the awkward odd wheel and not fit in. I rarely confide or lean in to others in fear I’ll be seen as too broken or not good enough. "I don't want people to know I'm struggling, I will deal with it myself." Fun fact: there really is no gold medal for those who can carry things on their shoulders alone… it usually does a lot of harm, and it’s incredibly lonely. So quit trying to be the hero!

What does all of this mean? Am I doomed forever, stuck in the echo-y caves of my brain in a constant battle of not being good enough? No. Not anymore. I’m tired of it--and I’m tired of seeing my junior high girls struggle with the same feelings and torments of not being good enough. No one needs that voice in their head to hang out for years and years.

I’M. FIGHTING. BACK.

This is about more than just an unnoticeable haircut; it’s about the fact that for most of my life I have believed the lies that my brain was telling me, that my slight imperfections were a megaphone for how terrible I am. But they're not--they’re a megaphone for how HUMAN I am. I am human, and so are you. We are broken and imperfect, and that’s what makes us all so wonderful and unique. There is so much light that pours in through our brokenness, but we need to shine the light on it first.

I’m not a social butterfly. I used to be when I drank a lot… because… duh, but these days I have a really hard time connecting with people. Part of it is because we’re blocked by technology, part of it is because I’m an adult and no longer surrounded by dorm rooms and classmates, but part of it is simply because people make me anxious, and I don’t want them to think I’m stupid or annoying or a failure. By living a life afraid of their judgment I can’t connect with them; I don’t even give myself a chance to know them as human beings because I’m so preoccupied trying to impress them.

In the battle with my judgy self, I’ve started listening to my thoughts--keeping track of when I’m mean to myself. But instead of beating myself up about beating myself up, I count them and compliment others to the equal amount. That’s weird, right? Yeah, it totally is. But it works. It works because very quickly not only do I start to feel better because I’m making people's day, but the compliments start outnumbering my silent, mean remarks. And the best part? I’m connecting with people. You would be amazed at how many are out there fighting secret battles of various kinds and the reactions they have when a random stranger compliments them are priceless. I've started supporting others around me in their dreams and goals, instead of instantly feeling jealous and defeated, and in turn I'm becoming more inspired and motivated to brush the dust off of my own dreams and start working towards them. I’m not alone in my silent battle, and neither are you. Instead of criticizing myself at every turn, I’m learning to see my imperfections as unique and beautiful and celebrating them, and I’m hoping that other people are celebrating theirs, too. Life is much more fun with celebrations.

People will try to drag you down. There might be real occurrences of people bullying or gossiping about you--it happens because people tend to suck. Shoot, I’m 28 and there are still people lashing out in weird ways (It’s a good reminder that if people are hurting you or bullying you, they’re probably hurting as well which makes reaching out them in kindness so much more important). But, don’t agree to their mindset and sabotage yourself. Don’t go around comparing yourself to everyone else--instead focus that energy on building up the people around you, because in the process you’ll build up yourself. Instead of falling into jealousy, befriend them and ask for advice or ask to have them mentor you or do something to grow yourself. Jealousy gets you nowhere except a pity party with an invite for one. That sounds like a bummer.

Here's my advice to all those who know this confidence battle all too well: Quit spending all of your energy playing the victim. Get up, brush yourself off, and go be the success you're meant to be because you can't be both. You can go around hating on yourself, giving in to people bullying you, always reaching the most negative conclusions in situations… but you will never climb your way out. Want to be a success? Get out of your head and start connecting with the people around you, including yourself. Love others, do good, and you'll start to start to see yourself in a new light, I promise. You'll also find some really amazing friendships in the process.

It's worth the fight. Battle on, friend.