I am 30 years old and come from a relatively small town. I mean, there’s a Panera, but the tallest “skyscraper” is roughly 5 stories. Over the past 5 (read: 7) years, I've watched the majority of my friends announce their engagements. From there, I actively participated in consuming the majority of their alcohol on their wedding nights - usually with one of my best girlfriends in town.

I suppose it's normal to settle down in your mid-20's - especially due to the small town demeanor. I, on the other hand, have no desire. I spent the majority of my adult life as a single lady, and I feel okay about it. My grandma, though, is not impressed by this. Instead, she spends most days plotting how to continue the Davis family legacy. And believe me - she is relentless. Every time we speak, she grills me about keeping my hair “done up” to ensure romantic advances. Let it be known I have very little hair. In fact, there was a point not long ago I was actually bald. Literally bald. Cancer sucks, kids. Anyway - Grandma is NOT SOMEONE TO MESS WITH. And - I am trying to keep the very little amount of hair I have “done up”, grandma! Yeesh.

So, after her persistent torment, I decided to appease Grandma D and join the realm of internet dating. Mostly after moving to a new state and having 3 friends total. Worst case scenario: I bump the total number of friends to 4 and meet some babes along the way. Plus, I couldn't wait to have Dolores off my back since I was actively seeking hot dates.

For the past 3ish years, Internet Dating has been nothing short of hilarious, and horrible... which is why I'm here. Grab your popcorn, kiddies, because we are in for quite the adventure.

After making the conscious decision to join the realm of internet dating, one needs to “pick their poison” - meaning decide which avenue suites you best. Since I'm not sure I possess the necessary emotions for an actual relationship, I decided against the match.com/eharmony realm. From what I've seen on television, a highly reliable source, those chumps are waiting with rings. Plenty of Fish (just typing that made me uncomfortable) is also out. Woof. This leaves the 3 main players: OkCupid, Bumble, & Tinder.

Step 2: create a highly desirable, very witty profile. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the sheer ridiculousness of the process, let me fill you in. You start by choosing the photos you look the least ugly in. Then, I deliberately avoid uploading images from the waist down to keep my pizza-loving-physique secret safe. Is this misleading? Should I feel bad about it? No. Moving on.

Once I start browsing, I realize that the more casual the app, the more babes there are. I turn into a crazy person. I have 8 text conversations going at a time, most of with the same area code and no indication of who I’m actually chatting with. I used to save names with notes, but have come to realize most of these men will not materialize in real life. Now, I don’t even bother. I have been unmatched within 5 minutes of starting a conversation & blocked after telling a man my thighs touch.

I’ve dated men seriously (yes, I introduced a Tinder date to my grandmother once). I’ve canoodled with others, knowing it would go nowhere. Overall, I probably had 400+ drinks with 100+ men I met online. That’s a lot of calories & small talk to come to this conclusion: meeting men on the internet can be fun, but overall - it’s really underwhelming. The level of casual that comes with internet dating is maddening. Somehow, everyone says exactly what’s on their mind - unless it’s important & meaningful. Then, instead of telling you they aren’t into you, they’ll just disappear without a trace. Because why “break up” with someone you aren’t actually dating, right? (eyes rolling.) There are definitely diamonds in the dating app rough, but wow - they can be tough to find.

It certainly serves a purpose, though. Having a bad day? A stranger will tell you you’re pretty. Nothing to do on a Friday night? Another man would love to take you out to dinner. Just bored and wishing you had someone to text? Nearly everyone in your Bumble hive is open to that idea.

Some days, I love it. Mostly because a man hasn’t approached me in real life since the year 2000. (Well, ONE did. I was out with this stone-cold fox and some schmuck kept screaming about how he wanted to change my last name.) Others, I swear I will never reactivate my OKC account. I think it just depends on what you’re looking for and if you have the patience to weed through a bunch of bad eggs. If not, just tell your grandma that all men want to kiss on the first date. She’ll immediately stop asking about how your dates are going.