I'm pretty sure everyone who knows me knows that I tend to be the "mom friend" in any group. I have been since I was a kid, and I've never seen it as a bad thing. However, looking at everything I do as the mom friend - especially with some recent events in my life - I've come to realize some things about how I look at myself and my world. In doing this I've seen things that are both good and bad, and I want to let people know the basics of it in case they're going through similar issues right now.

The first thing I noticed is that I have a HUGE support system. Almost everyone I know and care about are those I consider extended family. So this gives me a large base of people that can catch me if I fall and help me back up. My roommate is my sister, and she accepts every flaw I have without (much) question. I have "kids" that will do everything they can to cheer me up if I'm sad while talking to them, and I really do love them as my own. I have little sisters and brothers back home who I may not talk to all that often, but still keep up with and I know when we do get to see each other it'll be an amazing time together. I also know that those younger siblings of mine feel safe coming to me with their issues, and I am so, so very grateful that they feel that way with me. Words really cannot explain the depths to which I love each of these people. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop me from feeling utterly alone at times.

Like every coin, there is a second side. Because I tend to be the emotional solid ground for a lot of people, I feel like I "fail" or "show weakness" if I crumble in front of them. I bottle things up because I'm supposed to be the one who helps others, not the one who needs help. I stuff down my sorrow when my heart is broken because I'm supposed to be happy that the person I like chose my friend over me, or even if my friend chose the person she cared about over me. I'm supposed to smile and be happy while my soul fractures a little more. I'm supposed to say "I'm fine" to my friend who's just finished talking about how bad her family is treating her even though I'm stressed and having nightmares that I don't understand. I can't say anything because she has it worse, right? I can deal by myself, I should help her. I also can't verbally strangle the friend running back to an abusive relationship they just escaped.

The best part about being the mom friend is that I almost constantly feel proud of someone. My roommate nailing a presentation in class, or writing a spectacular article on here that I want to send to everyone on Earth. My little sister bowling her new high game and telling me about it. My little brother getting his first 300 and my mom calling me to tell me so I can congratulate him myself. My friends and family finding the love they deserve more than anything in the world and sharing stories of it with me. It's so beautiful to see the people I love succeeding in life and being able to say "I knew it would happen" when they had been doubting themselves the whole way.

The worst part about being the mom friend is seeing that the people I love can't see themselves clearly at all. I want to cry about how much self-deprecation my "sisters" and "kids" put on themselves because they don't see their own value. Hung up on boys that don't care, weighing every single word their parents/parental figures say about them as though each one is the word of God in their ears. Even if those words damn them to misery and considering themselves ugly, fat, or not worth the air they breathe. I hate it with every fiber of my being, I wish I could lend my eyes to them for just one day so they can see themselves differently, see themselves as I see them.

That's the thing I've realized recently though. I don't see myself clearly either. I'm "the mom friend" I'm the support. I'm the solid ground. I don't crumble until it is the only choice i have. I keep fighting and going and caring for others and I don't need time to take care of myself, right? I thought so. I tend to give and give and give. I know people love me for it, but I don't think they always realize how taxing it is, not fully. I don't know how to handle emotions half the time besides lying to myself and others about how I feel until I'm faced with the rotting corpse of what I've been hiding. I'm not good at saying "no" until it's the only word I can utter, and still I feel selfish for saying it even once. I can't admit I need help with something until it is my only option, and I still feel like I failed because I'm the one that isn't supposed to need help.

You know what though? It's ok. I'm learning and i'm growing. I'm not going to stop giving myself, or being the mom friend, but maybe - just maybe - I can figure out how to take some things for myself every once in a while. I need to take care of myself too, and if you relate to anything I've said about being the mom friend, you deserve to take time to yourself. Take a two hour shower while blasting your music (it's heaven, I promise), go see a movie by yourself and spend a little too much on food at the theater. Take care of yourself, because if you're not ok then you can't make sure everyone else is ok.