Anyone who has ever been a waiter, waitress, bartender, or even a bus person knows that this job is anything but easy. Sure, it's not rocket science; but there is such an extreme level of stress involved in serving that goes completely unnoticed. As a matter of fact, there are a million things that happen behind the kitchen doors of your diners, restaurants, and country clubs that go unnoticed (mostly on purpose).
Pay close attention while I outline for you some things that your server has most definitely experienced at least once (if not ten thousand times) during their shift.
1. If a customer asks what you recommend, you always say the most expensive thing on the menu
What do I like? Well, might I suggest the filet mignon with extra lobster sauce topping and a side of the world's finest mashed potatoes. While we're at it, why don't I fetch you a bottle of our finest red wine to go with it? Oh don't worry, it'll only boost your bill about $40.
2. You know that "No, take your time!" actually means "I will kill you if you don't tell me your order in three seconds"
Nothing is worse than asking your table if they're ready to order, them saying yes, and then proceeding to stare at the menu for another three minutes while insisting "Oh no, I can make a snap decision!" Meanwhile, you have about 26 other things you could have done with that three minutes instead of stared daggers at your pesky customer.
3. You've definitely impressed your non-server friends by casually carrying a ridiculous amount of things at once
Balancing drinks, food plates, and napkins is basically your passion.
4. You can also lift a lot more weight than people think you can
Fifty-pound tray? Sure. Three high chairs at once? You got it.
5. You're an expert at abbreviating and writing fast
It is extremely rare for you to actually write out entire words on your dupe pad. Which is why it's impossible to let someone "help" you load your trays or serve your tables, because your notes are basically in a different language that only you understand.
6. That being said, your handwriting is shit
When you have a 6 top, an 8 top, and a 4 top whose orders all need to be taken at the same time, you don't exactly take the precious time to make your handwriting look pretty.
7. Your weekend starts at the same time normal people's work week starts
Since you probably work the weekend shifts (aka the busiest time of the week for restaurants), Sundays are your Fridays. God bless Sunday.
8. You are a master multitasker
Side of ranch? Sure. While I'm back in the kitchen, I'll get three soups, the dessert for my four top, an extra dupe pad, and unload a dirty tray.
9. You understand the constant pain of needing it to be busy, but wanting it to be dead
You don't wanna run your ass off, but you desperately need the money. Damnit.
10. "Can I get the (insert fancy salad here), but without (literally everything that makes the salad unique)?"
WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT INSTEAD OF MAKING MY LIFE HARDER?!?
11. When people ask for coffee, and you're out of regular, but the decaf pot is full...
*Shhh* they'll never know.
12. When customers complain that their meat is cooked wrong, but in reality, they just don't know what a medium temperature looks like
The chef thinks you ordered it wrong when you take it back and say the customer says it's not cooked enough, and the customer thinks that you ordered it wrong because it's not the way that they want it. Sometimes you just can't win.
13. Being flagged down
Nothing is more annoying than being waved down for something trivial. It's a surefire way to make sure you get less-than prime service for the rest of the night.
14. When that one person walks in at 8:45 and you close at 9:00
15. When people do this:
If you can afford to go out to eat, then you can afford to tip. Don't be a dick.
16. Opening a bottle of wine and having your table stare at you the whole time
And, if you're like me, you're really bad at opening the bottles, so your tables are forced to watch you struggle for five minutes. Cringe.
17. Having to have the, "No, I'm not a stripper," conversation...
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Most of your tips are ones, and your bank teller always silently questions your profession.
18. The customers are literally never as funny as you make them think they are
Every single one of your jokes I've heard a thousand times before. You're not here to be funny, you're here to eat. Please don't joke about having me drop the check off at someone else's table, spare us both the unnecessary banter.
19. Speaking of the customer: the customer is literally almost never right
I once had a woman ask me for a glass of "cabernet sauvignon blanc." Now, for those of you who aren't wine snobs, there is a wine called "cabernet sauvignon" and there is a wine called "sauvignon blanc." One is red, one is white. This lady insisted she was right and refused to believe me when I told her what she wanted didn't, in fact, exist. *eye roll*
20. Children
Messy, loud, and running all over the dining room when you're carrying heavy trays everywhere? No thank you. Take 'em somewhere else.
21. When your customers confuse the meaning of the words "server" and "servant"
People forget that we're employees of the restaurant, not their own personal butler. We have other things to do besides cater to their every wish and whimsey.
22. Those people who will eat their whole meal, then complain at the end
If you really didn't like it, then why did you eat it? Oh, wait, I know, it's because you actually liked it, you just want me to take it off the bill.
23. When people tip in cash
Dolla dolla bill, y'all.
24. When your coworkers leave their tickets in the window
Spike your shit, dudes. It's coworker etiquette.
25. When you see someone lighting birthday candles
No way in hell do I wanna stand awkwardly behind someone else's table and sing to their grandma whose name I don't know. Nope. Not today.
26. Sometimes you fantasize about spilling wine on your customers
By "accident," of course.
27. That one coworker who constantly complains about not getting enough hours, but calls out all the time
You can't have it both ways, kiddo. Either commit or shut up.
28. Holidays? What holidays?
You work on Easter, New Year's, throughout Hannukah, St. Paddy's day, Thanksgiving, and sometimes even Christmas. You haven't had a holiday since you've entered the service industry.
29. The constant rivalry between day shift and night shift
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Someone always fails to do their side work or leaves the place a mess and then the next shift always has to clean it up. It's an endless cycle.
30. Watching other people make plans without you because you don't know your schedule yet
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31. On your days off, you lock yourself away from society
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32. You have to convince people that you actually do work hard
You have back pain, shoulder pain, leg cramps, and probably a throbbing headache from having to talk to people and be extremely nice all the time. The pain is real.
33. When a customer touches you
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I'll still bring you your drink, you don't have to touch my arm while you ask for it.
34. When you take a pee break and come back to the floor
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All it takes is three minutes for all hell to break loose.
35. Trying to hint at campers that it's time to go
There's always one table that stays wayyy past their welcome. Do you even have a home? Because I do, and I'd sure like to go to it, but I can't until you get the hell out.
36. Imagining all the different ways you'd walk out in the middle of a shift
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37. But the best part: you know that your coworkers totally feel you on everything and are the best company
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Those who hate together, stay together, right?
