I simply can’t emphasize how set I was on joining a sorority. It was one of the few things that I was sure about throughout the craze of fall quarter. I had no idea about my major, the clubs that I was going to join, or the violin pieces that I should have prepared for the studio, but I definitely knew that I was going to make myself a part of Greek life. I “knew.” On my skewed list of priorities, joining a sorority was towards the top.

If someone had asked me now why I wanted it so badly, I wouldn’t know how to answer. It might have been because it’s a big thing here, because all my friends were, or because I wanted to be viewed a certain way and be a part of things. Truthfully, that’s all what I could have said, but I would have never admitted that to anyone. I wanted to believe that I was rushing solely for the “lifelong friendships” and to catalyze my overall social life. Sadly, though, my complete reasoning was more superficial and I was close to certain that there would be no other way to fully find my place here without joining a sorority (I would have left that embarrassingly inaccurate part out too).

After the first set, I was cut by six houses and by the end of set two, I was down to just three. Meanwhile, many of my friends still had five or six great houses on their list to go back to. I was shocked by how brutal this process could be, especially when recalling all of the warm and welcoming faces. I felt like my scarce options were dangling by a thread. It was a miserable feeling. For the first time, I started to doubt myself. I scrutinized all of my past conversations that I thought had gone so well, over-analyzing what I could have possibly done wrong. I had never understood how this process could take such a toll on a girl’s self-esteem before, but I definitely did after that day.

At a certain point, I was more angry than upset. I couldn’t understand what made me “worse” than the other girls who were still lined up outside my favorite houses. Naturally, I became bitter and resentful towards the process. What's a worse way to get to “know” girls than to shove them all in a house and speak to them for just ten minutes? I couldn’t make sense of the fact that these huge decisions were being made on such a superficial basis. But, then again, I knew that my main purpose in being there at all was also, for the most part, superficial. It’s what I had signed up for and I simply had to accept the process for what it was.

I gave myself about a day to grieve over my "near-hopeless" situation. I complained and commiserated. I called up my closest friends from home to spill out my heartbreak. I truly thought that it was close to the end. I was convinced that if things didn’t work out, my social life, reputation, and overall college experience were all going to regress. I was prepared to see all of my closest friends gradually disappear into the exclusive world of Greek life. I was ready to be an "outsider." After that long, tiresome day of emotional out-letting and irrational beliefs, I pulled myself together and began to reflect.

So yes, as seen by the title, I ended up voluntarily dropping out of recruitment. This wasn’t because I thought that the options that I had left would end up being any less fulfilling than all the rest, or because all my friends were looking elsewhere. I simply realized how little I actually needed it. It’s only sad that it took a day of moping and an overall unfortunate experience to come to this complete change of awareness.

In the midst of the craze, I never gave myself a chance to reflect on the most important relationships already in my life with the people whose opinions should actually matter. If anything, they are the truest reflection of who I am and it's a reflection that I’m most definitely proud of. So does it mean that much if a girl doesn’t get a bid from her “dream” sorority? She already has her bids from all of the other people around her who truly know her, accept her, and love her unconditionally. To those who it’s worked out for, I'm happy for you. That’s quite often the case and being part of a sorority will definitely be an amazing supplement to college life. But to those for whom it hasn’t, the outcomes should be taken only with a grain of salt. The point is that, either way, it doesn’t matter.

In retrospect, I know that it was a bit ridiculous to even let myself feel defined by the houses that didn’t want me. To be a little disappointed is understandable, but to be as devastated as I was initially is a different story. As cliché as it all sounds, I lost sight of who I was in the fog of other girls’ opinions. I felt quantifiable while marching with hundreds of other determined PNMs with nametags and nice outfits. It seems silly now to think about how dramatic that whole week had been, but everything felt so important in the moment. Getting into the “best” sorority had to be the final outcome and ending up on the unfortunate end of the spectrum seemed unimaginable.

It’s a shame how easily we get so caught up in the banal aspects of recruitment. We lose sight of our values and forget what Greek life is supposed to be about. We all want to be a part of the mixers and formals and we all just want to be identified with a certain “crowd.” Sadly, that’s what makes recruitment week seem more daunting and stressful than it should be. We treat it like life or death. Needless to say, this should be a wake-up call for all of us, as it most definitely was for me.

To an extent, being put in this situation was somewhat revealing. I’ve definitely drifted from some people since initiation, but most of my closest friends who are in Greek life have stuck around, despite their new social obligations. It was a pleasant surprise to see that my most important relationships, for the most part, haven’t changed. It hasn’t even felt like I’ve been missing out, not only because of the friendships I’ve maintained, but because of how much else there is to do. Being away from Greek life has given me that window of opportunity to explore Chicago, read a good book, join that club, figure out that piece for studio, write this article, and maybe even crash a mixer (that was a joke). Actually, it’s been a way to find more time for myself. That's not to mention that it’s also been a huge opportunity to get to know the majority of my class, who also not involved in Greek life (which, by the way, is a lot of people). It’s been refreshing to clear my mind of the trivial and actually do things that matter. It’s given me so much clarity, balance, and peace. It's a better outlook on life.

This isn’t at all to say that I am against recruitment and that I will never go through it again. Chances are good that I’ll end up rushing again next year, but with a better mindset. I know now that joining a sorority doesn’t have to happen, but who knows? It may still end up being one of my greatest experiences. Either way, I’ll be just as happy. All that I can do now is keep an open mind and look forward to all of the possibilities apart from Greek life that lie ahead. It feels great to actually be excited about that. So, to all the girls feeling lost throughout and after recruitment, you’re not alone. I ended up just fine and so will you.