I never quite completely fit in.
As Urban Dictionary perfectly describes, a floater is "an individual who cannot pinpoint what group they belong to. They walk down the halls and get nods or smiles from anyone in any group. A floater generally becomes a floater because of failed friendships, not through fights, but through drifting apart. A floater is a social mastermind who wavers between members of one particular clique or between multiple cliques."
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In high school, I was somewhat friends with everyone, good friends with maybe one or two people, and just fairly mysterious, even sketchy, to most. I'd disappear to the piano room during free blocks, or go home to take a bath instead of sticking around on Friday nights. I wouldn't mind going to the dining hall by myself, and still have no problem with getting a burger at Five Guys alone after work. My friendships with others are completely independent from how I live my life.
Don't get me wrong. I like other people -- most of them. But I despise having to rely on others, or others having to rely on me. If I fail, I'll fail on my own; if I succeed, I will succeed on my own.
One of my best friends sat me down one day and said, "I just don't understand you. You're like a social chameleon." While is true that I adapt easily to any social situation, and can get along very well with most people, I do not think I morph into a different person every time; instead, I hang out with people who fit my mood and mind-set at that moment.
It's a blessing as I have an abundance of different people to make plans and have fun with. I rarely share big parts of my personal life, and therefore do not get caught up with "inter-clique" drama. Instead I am a neutral force many people turn to.
Being a floater may sound great, but it is a trade off. You don't have anything solid to latch on to. While you can pleasantly bounce around between groups, and have a great time with each of them, you are not fundamental -- not necessary for things. You may be invited, but you may not be fully aware of the ongoing gossip or plans for your friend's surprise birthday party. Your friendships with clique-members live separately from the entire entity.
Outsiders may assert that you "have so many friends." But it is not exactly like that. While my roommate may be confused at where I am going all the time, and how I keep my social schedule so busy, there are times where I get very lonely. Floaters know everyone, but at the same time, nobody knows them. Plans are never concrete, and it is always a toss-up what group or individual you will hang out with that day.
I'm at peace as a floater. I couldn't imagine trading my independency with dependency, and giving up my alone time isn't in the cards either. Perhaps I'm not a constant in anyone's friend group, but I have great individual friends who appreciate me for who I am.
So I'm sorry if you've ever thought I was a little sketchy, or a flake -- but this is the tale of a girl with many interests, even more thoughts, and who is eager to get to know absolutely anyone.
