I truly believe that the brain capacity of humanity is greatly underestimated until one has had an intellectually stimulating conversation with an Uber driver. Most of the time, the amusing Uber experiences come from the point of view of the drivers. They claim they’ve seen it all: from the drunkies who can’t keep their clothes on, to the brokenhearted boy playing the ukulele in the back seat. However, no one ever really talks about these rides from the eyes of the passenger. I for one, am fully prepared to write a novel on all the bizarre encounters I’ve had with some of these people.
Typically, there are two categories that an Uber driver can fall into. The first category includes the average worker. This guy is strictly business. His sole purpose is to get you to where you need to go, and be done with it fast. In these cases, there’s usuallyan unspoken agreement that no conversing will be done. At all. Nada. Don’t ask him about his day, and don’t even think about asking him to change the classical music station. (made that mistake once- never again).
The second category of Uber drivers is way more complex, and is what greatly contributes to the majority of entertainment in my life. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that some of these people are from a different species of human. Their conversational skills are extremely unique, as they neglect to EVER use a filter. I mean they literally believe that it is socially acceptable to say whatever the hell they want, at any time. My guess is that they figure that they’ll never see you again, so they might as well tell you what nobody else in their life cares to hear.
It all begins when you order the Uber and get the notification that “Melvin” is on his way to pick you up in his bright red Toyota Prius. You look at his profile, and try to overlook the fact that his photo looks like a mug shot, and that his rating is a 3.78. Where those other 1.22 stars went, no ones knows.
Next, the car pulls up, and within seconds, the driver begins to make small talk. Their tactic is to ask you questions about yourself so that you’ll feel obligated to reciprocate, and ask them about their lives too. And when you do, you soon realize you’ve made a terrible mistake.
It really amazes just me how comfortable some of these people feel with their passengers, as they’re sometimes willing to share the most interesting facts about their lives.
I once had an Uber driver tell me about how he dropped out of college to study the correlation between people’s blood types and personalities. He then proceeded to ask me what my blood type was, and when I told him I had no clue, he asked me if I would be willing to give him a sample of my blood for his studies.
True story.
Oh and NEVER get into a discussion regarding religion. I once told a driver that I was Jewish, and then spent the duration of the ride being “tested” on the old testament. At the end of the ride, when he decided that I had not passed his test, he told me that I should really consider converting to Sikhism.
And finally, my personal favorite Uber experience is with the driver who listed all the meals he had eaten that day, and then found it necessary to share the fact that he was extremely constipated.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that I was 100% sure Ashton Kutcher was going to pop up from behind me and tell me that I had just been Punk’d.
These are just a few of the most memorable moments I have had as an Uber Passenger.
But here’s the thing. As strange and uncomfortable these situations may have been at the time, I’m ecstatic that I was able to experience them, because they remind me that there are so many different types of people in the world that I have yet to meet. Not to mention that I now have enough material to create enough SNL skits to last a lifetime.
So thank you Uber, for providing me with a little bit of color in my usually dull weeks filled with essays and midterms.
