Have you ever wondered what it's like to spend every night staring at the ceiling wondering when you'll finally fall asleep? Ever known someone who talks about not sleeping night after night? Or maybe you yourself spend countless nights awake frantically calculating the hours of sleep you'll get if you eventually fall asleep. Whatever your reason for reading this article, here's a look at what every night looks like for me.
I have had trouble sleeping since freshman year of college. At the beginning of freshman year I had some trauma, and developed pretty severe anxiety that has varied in intensity but has remained a part of my daily life since. Anxiety can often cause sleeping problems because the thought loops that constantly plague your mind are difficult to turn off. But even with various coping mechanisms in place, sleep has continued to be an issue for me. People often don't understand and don't know what to say when I express any thoughts regarding sleep. In order to share what living with insomnia is like for me here are some things I have tried, as well as how I cope with this chronic struggle.
I have tried more things for insomnia than I have for anxiety and depression combined. If someone has recommended it I have tried it. Melatonin, chamomile tea, Benadryl (my doctor literally told me to just take Benadryl every night), Zzzquil, meditation (newsflash: I hate meditation), guided imagery, cognitive behavioral therapy, getting out of bed every fifteen minutes, reading, not doing anything, a noise machine, the list goes on and on. As for waking up in the morning I have tried an alarm that gradually lights up, multiple alarms around the room, a vibrating alarm, and calls from my mother. To say I am exhausted is an understatement. Funny insomnia would make you exhausted ( go ahead and roll your eyes I am doing it to myself too).
Struggling to sleep and once asleep struggling to wake up, have been some of the hardest things to fight. I have to consider how everything might affect my sleep. I have to watch my caffeine intake, I can't have any alcohol because of my sleeping medication (I don't much like to drink anyway so this is not major), I have to say no to things that would have me sleep away from my apartment (or suffer the consequences), and I have to bite my tongue when people say insensitive things. I have to fight my need for approval when it looks like I am lazy, or irresponsible.
But none of this is in vain. And I don't share all this as a complaint fest. It is said that "you have been given this mountain to show others it can be moved" and I know this to be true. And for every "why don't you just go to sleep" I get an "I'm so sorry you can't sleep" or a "you are so strong." And even when I am not receiving encouragement from people, I am being renewed and strengthened by the Lord. When I get no physical rest, the Lord gives me rest in Him and in His word.
"He restores my soul" -Psalm 23:3
Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you -Psalm 55:22
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest -Matthew 11:28
And he said, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." -Exodus 33:14
While I don't know why I struggle with insomnia, or why the countless things I have tried have not worked, I am not without hope. I know the Lord is using this for my good and one day I will understand. Until then I will pray for renewal and rest in the Lord and be thankful for the sleep I do get and the kind souls who give me grace when I oversleep or am irritable.
