For as long as I've been alive, I've heard far too many people tell me, "You take everything so personally." Hell yeah, I do. I take to heart every single thing people say to me and it wears away my interior into a thin film just as it hardens my exterior even further. I'm tough on the outside, weak on the inside. And, I'm tired of being judged for being insecure at times and for having insecurities, period.
At a time when social media is so prevalent, we are all only posting pictures, statuses and updates that make us seem strong, funny, clever, smart, beautiful, lively--only things that to make us seem at our best so others think our best is all of the time.
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Newsflash: our best is not all of the time. Not even close.
I get caught up in comparing myself to literally everyone, both in real life and on social media. I have looked in the mirror and hated the face staring back at me. I have cried myself to sleep too many times, my thoughts of inferiority and disappointment pulling me down as I slipped into sleep. I have ruined many gatherings that were supposed to be fun because of my insecurities.
It's easy to say this to a computer. It's even easier because I know nobody will read this. I am blatantly exposing my deepest feelings and nobody will read them. These are just words. I am just another person. This is just another ridiculous article with rambling words and no true purpose.
While it's on my mind, I'd like to take a detour and share some super personal secrets:
I'm really lost in this life. I'm graduating in two months with no real job leads. I'm engaged but have no money for a wedding. I have dreams to move across the country but I can't even move into the apartments down the street. I'm a twenty-two year old young woman who can't even decide if she wants to buy a purse because it costs $35 and the idea of spending that kind of money gives me anxiety. Would $35 really affect me? No, it wouldn't. Yet, here I am, purse-less because I'm too scared to take the chance (which is a super loose use of the word "chance." It doesn't involve jumping off a bridge or moving across the country. It's a freaking purse).
I'm too scared to live this life I've been given as fully as I possibly can. I'm also too broke. I'm not sure which one is the greater cause of my problems. I'm caught between wanting to save money for my future and wanting to spend my money to enjoy the present. What's the happy medium? I'm always searching for a way to have the best of both worlds without having to choose one thing over the other. I want the sun and the moon.
Moral of the story: I'm broke, lost, insecure, and stuck in a state of dreaming instead of doing. If anyone has any thoughts on this, feel free to share. I take advice (if it's free). Also, if anyone would like to go buy me that $35 purse, let me know and I'll give you details.
