Believe me, I know what you're thinking:

"She can't be serious!"

Oh, but I am. Dead serious, in fact. I truly do not enjoy going to the beach. No, not even the ideal white-sand, water-so-blue-you-can-see-for-miles beaches. Now, I'm not going to deny that they're beautiful. I do appreciate the radiance of an orange and red-tinged sun dipping into the horizon, and I find the sound of waves gently lapping (not crashing) against the shore to be peaceful. But that's about as far as my obligatory oohing and ahhing can extend. Give me a secluded cabin in the mountains any day.

So, in order to better explain my lack of enthusiasm to the millions of beach lovers out there, here are my top 5 reasons why I just can't bring myself to get excited about going to the beach.

1. The heat.

I beg to differ, London Tipton. And I know, I know: Thank you, Captain Obvious; of course it's hot at the beach and of course you're going to sweat. But still, you can't tell me that you actually find pleasure in that constant state of being AC-deprived while melting in the sun.

2. The sunburns.

As a bonus for making it this far in the article, you get to enjoy the above picture of me napping at the beach a few years ago. (Don't I just look thrilled to be there? I think I'm pouting in my sleep.) Notice how the towel is wrapped around my head and face in an effort to protect me from the sun? Yeah, I still managed to get sunburned. Somehow the thought of Aloe Vera being my constant companion throughout the summer just isn't appealing.

3. The salt.

I'm telling you, all that salt does strange things to people. If you try to escape the heat by taking a quick dip in the ocean, you inevitably end up with a mouthful of salty seawater. And even if you do avoid getting in the water, the humidity in the air still manages to leave a salty residue on your skin, especially if you apply sticky sunscreen. No thanks.

4. The sand.

I feel ya, Woody. As if a layer of salt + sunscreen wasn't annoying enough, add sand to the mix to complete your trifecta of scratchy, sticky discomfort. No matter how thoroughly you rinse yourself off before going back to your beach house, you will end up with sand on your floor, between your sheets and in your food. Yum.

5. The other beach-goers.

I promise I really do love people, but I go on vacation to get away, you feel me? Sometimes, especially at the extremely touristy beaches, you can't even stretch out on your towel, much less try to build a sand castle, without being elbow-to-elbow with a stranger. That's just not my idea of relaxing.