I don’t know why I’m a compulsive nail biter, but there hasn’t been a day that I can remember where my fingers have not been in my mouth. I imagine that when I was first born, cuddled in my mother’s sweaty arms, I was smiling toothlessly or screaming like any three minute old would do. But another scenario also comes to mind of my first day on earth, where my maggot resembling index finger is planted between my gums. When I was younger, I chose my sticky and pale fingers over my binky or stuffed bunny. By the age of eight, my nails had fallen victim to my newly sharpened adult teeth. My parents tried everything there was in the “How to Stop Your Child From Biting Their Nails For Dummies” handbook, but everything failed. The oven mitts were too easy to slip off, even when taped around my wrists. The bitter spray (meant to train pets) tasted like nail polish remover, but was easily washed off. And my parents’ endless guilt trips, well, they didn’t do shit. Once I got old enough, the decision to quit was up to me. But even with a little guidance, I haven’t been able to stop and my fingers look like I’ve tried climbing out of a cave for the past week. If you know someone who bites their nails obsessively, there are a few things one should know:

1. We Don’t Notice It As Much As You Might

I bite my nails when doing just about anything, like when I’m in class or while watching a movie with friends. It’s not something I notice I’m doing in the moment. It’s not until my pinky starts throbbing or my thumb is bloody that I realize I had been biting them a lot that day. But for a third party, it might be something hard to not notice. If it is for you, that’s okay.

2. Small Gestures Really Do Help

Since we don’t realize when we’re biting our nails, it’s hard to stop willingly by ourselves. My friends will sometimes gently take my hand away or mouth ‘Stop’ to me. Doing small things like this will make the nail biter aware of what they’re doing and cause an immediate stop, but only for a short duration most likely. Or if you’re like my best friend, you can always try, “Hey asshole, cut it out.” It’ll make them laugh (hopefully) and release their fingers from their mouth’s grasp.

3. It’s Embarrassing

My friends, family, and even strangers, often take my hands and ask me, “What happened?” or “Doesn’t it hurt?” When attention is brought to my bloody stubs this way, it’s embarrassing because I’m constantly aware of how dreadful my nails looks. Puffy, bloody, pink, the list goes on. I avoid Nail Salons because of the inevitable reaction from the nail technician. It often begins with a gasp or wide eyes, and then stream of questions. But truthfully, I don’t think other people necessarily cause the embarrassment. They only make me aware of how I actually feel: ashamed.

4. When It Hurts You, It Hurts Us Too

My loved ones’ worried expressions when seeing my nails don’t just slip out from the back of my brain. I notice it and they accumulate one at a time. The thought that something I do hurts the ones around me, something that has become normal to me, makes me want to kiss their feet and scream upwards at their face “Forgive me oh gracious one!” It’s like stepping on your dog’s paw and then cradling them in a blanket for the next two days. But, at least for me, instant regret may be the best medicine for most nail biters.

5. Thanks Stress and Anxiety!

Nail biting is often heightened by stress and anxiety. Everybody has an unhealthy stress reducer, like alcohol or pot, and ours just happens to be biting our nails. If you really want to help someone stop, give your loved one another outlet for their stress. Throw them a Twix and ask them about their worries. Netflix is also a good escape from stress, unless it’s Stranger Things––that’s a nail biter in itself.