As many know, I'm as single as it gets and purely by choice I might add, primarily due to my fear of commitment. I am a full fledged commitment phobe, for many of the same reasons as most, and for some a little different. I think so many misunderstand what a lot of people mean when they say they're afraid of commitment, it's so much more than the stereotypical responses. And everyone's experiences are different of course, but here's a little look into my phobia of commitment and where my head's at.
For starters, of course I'm afraid of getting hurt, (who isn't) but let's be real for two seconds and face facts; everyone gets hurt at one point or another, that's life. Get over it. Get over yourself. Wynona lived after Johnny, you'll make it. Getting hurt doesn't even make the top ten things I'm afraid of about commitment, so if that is why you're not letting yourself commit, then you need to re-evaluate your life and learn that you're not saving yourself at all. If anything you're just hurting yourself more because you're going against the flow of life. Stuff happens, you have to let it rock sometimes for the good to come.
Specifically along with afraid of getting hurt, everyone is afraid of being cheated on; especially in today's day and age where at times it feels like no one is satisfied with just one person. Having been cheated on and unknowingly been the other woman, it just sucks all around. There's no other way to put it, and it does leave an impression with you that is difficult to shake at times. It's a massive blow on multiple levels, and I know for me has hindered past relationships which thus ended them, and made me stay away from becoming exclusive with anyone.
But if those experiences have taught me anything, it's that you cannot look at all individuals as the same. Just because one person cheated on you, doesn't mean they all will, you have to have some faith in humanity. In turn, don't always assume everyone is good by face value. I know I try to always give people the benefit of the doubt, but if the signs are there don't ignore your gut. You have instincts for a reason, use them.
I think the biggest reason for my fear of commitment though is I am fiercely independent, and I like being in complete control of myself. I have to have the ability to drop everything and run if I wanted to, or I get totally freaked out. The idea of not having the option to leave whenever makes me pulse pick up just writing about it. I know this sounds odd, but allow me to explain; I understand relationships at this point in my life aren't a binding contract, but it's not as easy as just leaving without a word. I need the wiggle room and then some, so if I start to feel overwhelmed or need to be alone for a few days I can be easily.
Additionally, this sounds entirely vain, but there is no one's company I enjoy more than my own. I love being by myself and doing whatever I want and not having to put up any fronts. I love to sing Elton John at the top of my lungs, and dance around like a moron, and sometimes even just enjoy the quiet for hours on end. I relish my alone time, and until I find someone whose company I enjoy more than my own, I don't think I should be with anyone. It wouldn't be fair if I like spending 70% of my time alone and balancing the other 30% between my significant other and all the other people in my life along with work and school.
On top of that, I'm still working on myself and that relationship has more ups and downs than I care to admit. But for the last two decades it's just been me, myself and I, and honestly as lonely as anyone can get from time to time, being with someone just to be with someone isn't enough. I need to keep working on my relationship with myself, and get to a point where I love myself more than the ladder. Because how can you expect someone to love you if you don't?
As scary as getting hurt, or cheated on, or giving up my alone time, or even learning to love myself is, hurting someone I love scares me more. Notorious for messing up good things in my life, I don't want to have someone ever feel the way I have in the past. I don't open up well, and I'm mean sometimes, and I don't know how to be emotionally available. Having been with the male versions of myself, I know I tried to change them, "fix" them as most girls secretly wish to do. But you can't fix something that isn't broken, it's just how I am.
I'm not at a point in my life where I'm ready to have someone who isn't my family or closests friends be on the in. I'm very private and selective with who I let into my life, and I know this sounds corny but if I'm going to share my heart with someone they can't just be anyone. I have the highest and utmost respect for relationships, and anyone who is mature enough to keep one. I know I'm not mature enough to, and what really scares me above all else is if I'll ever be.
