Let's start out by saying we all know that one person that makes us question how they got their license when they turned sixteen. For some, it's funny to make fun of that person when they're driving. For others, it's actually a terrifying experience that gives you nightmares. For the person who is that driver, here is a shoutout for putting up with the constant remarks and criticisms. Life is hard enough without people judging you by your driving skills.
So here it is, the moment you've been waiting for, the true confessions of a bad driver:
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"I heard you're a bad driver"
Really? I'm giving you a free ride and you have the nerve to tell me that you've heard I'm a bad driver. Well you can walk home for all I care, I'm not forcing you to waste my gas. Also, find other topics to talk about with your friends other than my driving. The weather is normally fun to talk about or the other 1,349,586 things going on in your life.
"You know you're driving 10 above the speed limit?"
Listen here. The law lies. If the speed limit says 35, it really means 40. And since the real speed limit is 40, you go 5 over that. So I'm not driving 10 over the limit, I'm driving 5 over. Also, if I get pulled over you aren't getting the ticket, I am, so hush up.
"You focus on the road, I'll change the song"
I gave you one job when you entered my car, and that was to be the DJ for this car ride. Now if you can't handle that simple task and a bad song comes on, I will change the song because you failed at your job. It's my car. Feel free to hop out at any time.
"How many times have you gotten a ticket?"
If you want the honest answer, it's twice. One more ticket and my car gets taken away... but that's besides the point. Again, I ask, why do you care if you don't have to pay the ticket? I thought it was called the passenger seat, not the peanut gallery.
"Why are you dancing and driving?"
I like to move it, move it, okay? If I can bust a move and drive safely then there should be no criticisms. Plus, how much do you love driving up to a stoplight and looking over to the person next to you dancing like an idiot? Well, that idiot is me, so you're welcome.
"How did you pass your road test?"
Let's see, during my road test I didn't run any red lights, hit anything, drive over the speed limit and I practiced parallel parking the day before for like 3 hours so I wouldn't hit any cones. Next question, please.
"Why did you just brake for that squirrel?"
I'm sorry, did you want me to hit the innocent creature just trying to cross the road with the nut in his mouth? It was probably a mommy squirrel taking food to her babies, so if you have a heart please rethink that question. (Side note: my sister actually did brake for a squirrel during her road test and she passed)
"Nice stop" *in a very sarcastic tone*
You better be ready for the next stop sign we come to because I'm about to slam my brake so fast, you little...
"I swear you came about a millimeter close from hitting that car"
You're right, I probably did. But as long as there was still 1 millimeter in between that car and my car, there is nothing to worry about. Proceed to route.
"I'm scared"
If you think my driving is scary, then let's watch all the Saw movies in a row, go into the woods at night, play "Bloody Mary" and spend the night in a graveyard. I can show you scary.
There you have it, the true confessions of a bad driver. Will this change the opinions of the people who think so poorly of your driving skills? Not at all. They will still be screaming "Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife" as soon as they see you popping a wheely down the 25 mph street, or turning the corner on two wheels. But in reality, you give them excitement to look forward to, and that excitement keeps them coming back for more.
