If your mom is anything like my mom, she also refuses to pay for cable and air conditioning in the summer and other such 'unnecessary things'. And because of that mentality, one inevitably misses out on some aspects of life. But have no fear! Not only do I stand in front of the open fridge for extended periods of time, I also downloaded the Republican Primary and studied it in case anyone missed out. Here is the gist of my review:
All Candidates will be rated by me on 3 things:
- General Vibes/Content
- Sanity
- Swaggyness
Keep in mind I had not heard of any of these guys (except the Donald) before this, so I am hopefully going in without any preconceptions.
I'll go in order of poll strength
John Kasich:
(when asked about expanding Medicaid)
"To treat the mentally ill. Ten thousand of them sit in our prisons. It costs $22,500 a year…to keep them in prison. I’d rather get them their medication so they could lead a decent life. So we’re treating them and getting them on their feet. And, finally, the working poor, instead of them having come into the emergency rooms where it costs more, where they’re sicker and we end up paying, we brought a program in here to make sure that people could get on their feet. And do you know what? Everybody has a right to their God-given purpose."
Also, the 'If jesus incarnate Reagan did it, I can do it too'
Content: Pretty good answers all around, pleasant answers on gay rights &medicaid
General Sanity: Would be a great neighbor, seems like a nice guy
Swaggyness: maybe 6
Chris Christie:
(in response to Huckabee on entitlements)
"No, he’s not lying, he’s just wrong."
"Social Security is meant to be — to make sure that no one who’s worked hard, and played by the rules, and paid into the system grows old in poverty in America."
General Content: I am gr8 because I can lead a traditionally democratic New Jersey. Also, NSA IS THE REAL DEAL, don't mess. Fix the entitlement & social security system, and increase military spending. Typical Republican ideals.
General Sanity: like an office worker that has too much time, but nothing crazy
Swaggyness: he seems kind of boring; 3
Rand Paul
(when asked about National Security and Balancing the Budget)
"Use the Fourth Amendment!"
"We shouldn’t borrow money from China to send it anywhere, but why don’t we start with eliminating aid to our enemies."
General Content: got donations &dissed by da big Trump, hates the NSA and loves to save money, ISIS sucks, and Iran deal sucks.
Sanity: That guy in your astrology class that believes in aliens and the illuminati. Not fully crazed but some wacky beliefs.
Swag: seems pretty cool; 7.5
Marco Rubio:
Content: Hilary Clinton is the anti-christ, general "I am young & hip my dad was a bartender and I had student loans so you younger folks should vote for me" I am man of FUTURE *wink wink*" (America is a-changin guys!) Also, THE AMERICAN DREAM!
Sanity: does not seem insane
Swag: I mean the guy is pretty handsome, cool, and cuban. 8
Ted Cruz:
"I believe the American people are looking for someone to speak the truth"
"What we need is a commander in chief that makes — clear, if you join ISIS, if you wage jihad on America, then you are signing your death warrant."
Content: Typical 'Red-meat' Republican. *Really* wants to fight ISIS. His dad was saved by God, he's a son of a Pastor. Planned Parenthood is everything wrong with this world.
Sanity: Aw shucks, I am just a good texan who loves my guns and Jesus
Swag: Looks like a 3rd grader and blob fish; 4
DOCTOR Ben Carson:
Quote: (when asked about racial divide) "I was asked by an NPR reporter once, why don’t I talk about race that often. I said it’s because I’m a neurosurgeon. And she thought that was a strange response. And you say — I said, you see, when I take someone to the operating room, I’m actually operating on the thing that makes them who they are. The skin doesn’t make them who they are. The hair doesn’t make them who they are. And it’s time for us to move beyond that."
Content: Most of his talking points revert back to some mention of being a neurosurgeon and not a career politician. Just 'have a brain'. We get it, you are not the usual republican. His answers are usually not bad, but don't really feel like much
General Sanity: Hard to tell, but no glaring *brain* problems
Swaggyness: Doesn't seem to care much, I respect him more for it- 9
Mike Huckabee:
(On abortions)
" I think the next president ought to invoke the Fifth, and Fourteenth Amendments to the constitution now that we clearly know that that baby inside the mother’s womb is a person at the moment of conception."
"It’s time that we recognize the Supreme Court is not the supreme being, and we change the policy to be pro-life and protect children instead of rip up their body parts and sell them like they’re parts to a Buick."
(on Military)
"The military is not a social experiment. The purpose of the military is kill people and break things."
Content: Abortion is the work of Satan, Planned Parenthood will cause the end of the free world, just like Hilary Clinton and Obama. EPA, IRS, education and govt. must shrink. War is just like WWE and we must fight fight fight.
Sanity: 10/10 just like the bird in Coco puffs commercials
Swaggyness: no chill; 2
Scott Walker:
Question:
"Governor Walker, you’ve consistently said that you want to make abortion illegal even in cases of rape, incest, or to save the life of the mother. You recently signed an abortion law in Wisconsin that does have an exception for the mother’s life, but you’re on the record as having objected to it. Would you really let a mother die rather than have an abortion, and with 83 percent of the American public in favor of a life exception, are you too out of the mainstream on this issue to win the general election?"
"Well, I’m pro-life, I’ve always been pro-life"
Content: Planned Parenthood needs to die and I will help kill it.
Sanity: I fear for the future of my uterus and life if this man becomes president
Swag: He has a bald spot that he is trying to hide; 5
Jeb Bush
Tell us Jeb, What do they call you?
"In Florida, they called me Jeb, because I earned it."
"They keep — they called me Veto Corleone. Because I vetoed 2,500 separate line-items in the budget."
(on immigration)
"I do. I believe that the great majority of people coming here illegally have no other option. They want to provide for their family."
Content: Seems a bit more reasonable than the other candidates. Seemingly kinder policy towards immigration, wants better education for all of America, ecological advancement, and basically fix everything up
Sanity: Family Man w/ famous relatives.
Swag: Poor guy has to deal with “the last thing the country needs is another Bush in the Oval Office.” 7
Donald Trump:
I feel like by now everyone has already heard enough about this guy.
Sanity: Questionable
Swag: the limitless pill
BONUS GAME: do 5 pushups every time someone says Clinton
