Each year, Father's Day comes and goes, and I am left feeling conflicted.

On the one hand, my father is still in my life and supporting me financially. I have many fond memories of him from my childhood. He says he loves me, and we speak on the phone regularly.

On the other hand, for as long as I can remember, my father and I always seem to be in staunch disagreement. Even as a small child, when I was a self-professed daddy's girl, I fought with him. I wanted to change my last name when my parents divorced, and he told me I was dishonoring him. As I grew older, those arguments got more and more serious, taking on greater world issues like labor, religion and feminism.

Almost as long as we have been fighting, we have been keeping secrets from one another. It started with me hiding the fact I wore swimsuits and shorts and was friends with boys to hiding the fact I'm a lesbian from him. In repayment, for years my father hid the fact that he got married.

As much as we hide from each other, we also manipulate each other. We tell each other what the other wants to hear in hopes of getting what we want.

While my father may financially support me now, that was not always the case. He dodged child support payments for years while my mom struggled to pay for medical expenses. Now, I get almost whatever I want because he feels guilty for those years he wasn't really there.

Growing up, I idolized my father. I was a tomboy who just wanted to roughhouse with daddy. I lingered on each and every word he said and I was his one and only child.

He told me being gay is as bad as being a murderer, so for about a year, I was scared of gay people because I believed him. His word was gospel. Because of my father, I struggled to come to terms with my identity and he is one of the few people left in this world who doesn't know I'm gay because I'm absolutely scared how he will react and I need him to pay for my education.

However, my mom was my world. My father was across the country and then across the ocean, but my mom was by my side every day. Seeing my dad was a treat, but being with my mom was a necessity. I needed my mom like water and my father like soda.

I know how lucky I am to have a father who is still alive and in my life. I know I am lucky to have someone who financially supports me like he does. However, our relationship is beyond complicated. I can't just post on Facebook or Instagram a cute throwback picture with the caption "Happy Father's Day" when this day truthfully has me feeling less than happy.

So, Complicated Father's Day to you, Dad, and to everyone else who has complicated fathers in their lives.