"I thought college was supposed to be fun."
I texted someone these exact words today before I walked into my organic chemistry lecture. Although my courses are hard, I know that I can still have fun in college. That involves letting go of the pressure that I feel because my ultimate goal is to get into medical school.
As a college student on the pre-med track, I often feel like I'm in a competition for who does the most: who picks up the most volunteer hours, who takes the most science courses at once, who somehow balances working as an EMT while doing research and still getting straight As...the list goes on.
I'm not saying that striving to be successful is something people shouldn't do. I just absolutely hate how cutthroat the competition seems to be for students who are essentially all trying to get into graduate school.
I have a busy schedule. It can get overwhelming at times. Still, I feel like I have to do more because others do more.
Here are some examples.
Someone I know didn't withdraw from their organic chemistry class. My mind immediately tells me because I withdrew and they didn't, I won't get into medical school and they will.
A person in my class talks about their job as a nursing assistant. I panic because I don't even have those credentials and that must mean I'm far behind.
I never really noticed how toxic comparing myself could be until it started to make me feel physically ill. I felt like my experiences weren't enough, even though I'm doing so much already, and these experiences are valuable. Deep down I know that. Quantity isn't what is most important. However, my brain takes me elsewhere. Because so many people are doing more than me, I feel like I have to catch up.
Yes, my anxiety causes me to think this way. I don't want to blame it completely on my anxiety, though.
This is a culture of overcompensation, driven by the constant fear that you just aren't good enough.
What does "good enough" even mean?
As much as I hate to say it, to people trying to go to graduate school, it might seem as simple as an acceptance letter. A rejection letter is enough to crush it, or even a fear of a rejection letter.
I've realized that this anxiety isn't going to get me anywhere; in fact, it'll probably hinder my progress. If I don't focus on what I'm doing today, how can I prepare for tomorrow? If I try to pile up my schedule with as many things as possible, how can I be sure that my experiences are valuable?
Keep doing you. Keep hustling, but don't let the pressure crush you. Don't let your fear of not "measuring up" lead you to question all of your decisions.
What other people are doing doesn't matter. Everyone has different life circumstances. Grades matter, but a C won't kill you. Yes, some people seem perfect, but I promise you that they aren't.
Your future does not depend on everyone else. Hard work gets you there. You WILL get into graduate school, regardless of whatever anyone else is doing. This is about YOU.
