In one word: magical. Competing on the Miss New Jersey stage has been a dream of mine since I first began doing pageants in seventh grade. I have always felt that pageantry had its own secret universe, one that is hard to fully understand unless you're a competitor or an immediate family member of a competitor. Though friends and extended family members are supportive, it is nonetheless difficult to understand why women choose to compete (perhaps this is because every competitor has their own opinions and reasonings). So, I thought I'd share some of my honest thoughts and experiences.

A little confession and backstory:

In middle school, my best friend and I had nothing short of an obsession with Toddlers and Tiaras. I have vivid memories rolling around my beach house floor crying-laughing at the ridiculousness of Honeyboo and the crazy moms. She and I dared one another to do our local town pageant to be held at the end of the summer. Unfortunately, she ended up being unable to, but I had already signed up.

Let me tell you, the pageant was so. much. freakin. fun. I was shocked! And after years of being told I needed to play basketball (sweating in front of people used to terrify me), or model (respect, but not for me) because of my tall height I felt like I finally found "my thing." I had made so many genuine friends, some of whom I am still close with to this day. I won absolutely nothing but I couldn't care less. My journey had begun.

I competed for my town's pageant the following year and was first-runner-up (second place). Though I never won, I did go on to compete for other titles. After a few failed attempts, I won Miss New Jersey National Teenager 2014 and then the national title, America's National Teenager 2015. With a title you have the opportunity to connect with hundreds of people and be an advocate for change. But as a junior in high school, I felt a lot of pressure to act and be a certain way and decided my pageant days would end upon crowning the next lucky young lady. Anyway, I was off to New York University, where I would spend my freshman year abroad in Florence, Italy.

"Uh wait, you do beauty pageants... :"

The summer going into my sophomore year someone close I knew was continuing their battle with drug addiction. Around this same time, I witnessed other people I knew become strangers due to the harmful effects of drug abuse. I had reconnected with an old teacher to talk about everything occurring around me. It felt like I was in the eye of a hurricane—calm, but frustrated at my inability to do anything impactful while pure chaos reigned. My heart just hurt, and no one really knew why.

My old teacher was the person who initially encouraged me to compete again. She knew how much I enjoyed being involved in town meetings and serving my community during high school. I also felt a little bit lost at NYU, and genuinely just missed the fun I had.

But, I knew if I were to compete again there would be one goal and one goal only: Miss America. Of course, before winning Miss America, you have to win a local and your state title first.

The journey:

It took me four times to win a local title. After not competing for close to three years to say I was a bit rusty would be an understatement. The stage felt foreign, my piano had gained dust, and my body was far from swimsuit ready after a year of eating gelato twice a day (kidding... kinda). My goal was just to get to Miss New Jersey—I HAD to walk the Miss New Jersey stage. So, you can imagine my excitement after winning the LAST local title of the season.

My friends at school couldn't understand what I was doing at home every weekend. HOURS of piano lessons, workouts, volunteering, interview prep, drives to Delaware to find the perfect wardrobe, all while trying to spread my message without being a weirdo in literally everything I did (pageant or not pageant related) of "Be Smart, Don't Start"— a drug abuse prevention initiative.

And although many people tried to "get my in my head" along the journey, I learned that having the courage and being kind is the most effective reaction to negativity for all involved.

IT'S HERE:

Since I won a local so late, I only had three months to prep for Miss New Jersey, and with an internship and summer classes this was no easy task (rookie status too).

I went into the week absolutely terrified. For those that don't know the pageant is held in Ocean City NJ and contestants are essentially quarantined from the outside world (no phones during the day or physical contact with family/ friends). I didn't have any close friends, and this was it. The big leagues. God bless the Miss New Jersey Organization and our sponsor, the Red Door Spa for treating us to a spa day on Monday, which allowed us girls to relax and get to one another in a non-competitive setting.

The rest of the week was full of rehearsals, and endless laughs. I met so many girls who had the biggest hearts, and kindest souls—it gives me chills thinking about how cool and perfect they are. Even though we all have different interests, we were united by our strong passion (even if what we were passionate about differed).

It sounds cliché, but to me, that is the heart of pageantry—connecting with other inspiring, individuals. I think I love it so much because in my eyes that's what makes a lifetime valuable—the impact you have had on this world and the connections you have made with other human beings.

Full Circle:

I didn't win Miss New Jersey. I didn't even make the Top 5. I did receive first-runner-up for the community service award and win People's Choice, which allowed me to join the Top 10 to re-compete on finals night.

But, I walked on the Miss New Jersey stage. The same stage where I competed in my first pageant all those years ago, and where I won Miss New Jersey's National Teenager (ANTSO). I also gained so many new friends and learned some valuable life lessons along the way.

And who knows if the journey has actually ended or not!