Communication has never been easy for me. That might sound strange coming from a writer whose job is to communicate, but it's true. I have always had this mixed relationship with communication, on one hand, I want nothing more than to express myself to people, to share how I feel inside, but at the same time opening up has always been the biggest most terrifying battle for me. It's a matter of fighting my anxious thoughts whipping through my mind at high speed to even get a few words of my deeper thoughts and emotions out to people.
My thoughts and feelings are so personal to me. They are treasures and to share them feels like completely stripping down in front of a bunch of strangers. My thoughts and feelings are me and to share them with people means being out in the open for everyone to scrutinize my personhood and judge whether they think it's right or wrong or worth listening to. So now you know where all this anxiety around sharing my voice comes from.
My fears are not without merit. I've been lashed out at many times for sharing how I thought, and if not totally offending people I often worry them when I share my heart. Since I rarely share, whenever I muster up the strength to do so, it comes out quite messy and rawer than most people know how to handle, which is why I stay quiet and keep to myself most of the time. Yet all this while that I am sitting, silently observing everyone else express themselves or fake it, I am dying inside to express myself. I just know that if I did, most would be hurt, offended, and wouldn't like it. So, I remain silent, because I hate faking it and hate hurting people.
It's a difficult conundrum. I wonder if I'm the only one who struggles with this. Sharing my deeper feelings isn't the only thing I have trouble communicating, small talk is equally terrifying, mostly because sometimes I'm too honest and people seem to be uncomfortable with honesty and mostly because I suck at faking it, pretending everything's all dandy when it isn't. There isn't a point to small talk, in my opinion, saying useless words that don't really have a point other than trying to look good to everyone around you. I guess I just don't care to play the game. It's too much work trying to impress people. So, even with small talk, most of the time I remain silent, but then when I am in situations where I have to talk, I panic.
When I do need to express how I feel, I have always felt safer writing. I feel like I can properly articulate my thoughts without the pressure of people's judgment. I first discovered this savior when I began journaling in high school. There were so many new experiences happening, I had to release all my excitement somewhere. Since I doubt most people would want to hear all the little details about what was exciting during my day, I wrote it down, and it felt good. Chatting, instant messaging, Facebook, texting, all came around that same time and even though many hate on it, for me it made communication easier at times, less frightening. I could talk to friends at my leisure without having to break the ice. I could articulate how I felt without any fear.
Okay, maybe there was still some fear when people wouldn't respond quickly or fear that they would be offended or take something the wrong way. I was especially afraid that I would be too overbearing on people, or not interactive enough. How do you find the right balance? How much communication is too much or too little and how do you know? But overall, I always found it easier to express myself in writing. It always felt safer and more freeing.
Another thing that felt safe about chatting is I could always back out if I felt unsafe. In face to face settings, that is much harder to do without making a scene. Sometimes it's impossible to leave an uncomfortable situation and that results in shutting down mentally and having a panic attack inside. That's why you shouldn't be too quick to bash social media and chatting or texting because for some people, it's a safe place where we can communicate with people more honestly and less anxiously than we ever could without it.
My introduction to writing was through journaling, chatting, and blogging. And I found that it was the one place that gave me a voice where I always struggled to have one. Yes, it's not perfect and some things are still terrifying to communicate, but writing has given me a voice. That's why I write because I need to express myself.
