Fact: Long-distance relationships are difficult.

For anyone out there that is currently, or has survived (dare I say thrived?) in a long-distance relationship, I support you. I do not question you, think you’re crazy, or see you as “only having half a relationship.” Yes, I have experienced all of these sentiments from friends and acquaintances alike—for real people, did you honestly think that was what I needed to hear??

Also fact: Any relationship with another human being is difficult.

Well, at least for me (shout-out to my fellow introverts!!).

During the 5+ years that my now-husband and I dated, about 3.5 of those were spent in a state of long-distance. I’m not going to deny that the distance often made navigating our relationship challenging in unexpected ways, but you will also never hear me say that being in the same place made communication magically easy. Truth be told, the disagreements (okay, some of them were down and dirty arguments...) weren’t more confusing or frustrating from states or countries away, thanks to video chat and phones. The only more frustrating aspect of communicating in a long-distance relationship was (1) when a call dropped or (2) when we wanted to hug-it-out after the smoke cleared. Really, technology made our relationship totally doable in-between the quick visits to one another.

My historical brain (viewing the situation in hindsight, at least) often feels grateful that easily accessible long-distance communication tools were/are a thing for my relationship. Can you imagine having to survive months, even years without a glimpse of your significant other? Or only hearing from them every couple of weeks and even that news was out of date? Think of soldiers during the Civil War or salesmen during the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. Or those crazy people who got on a boat for a couple of months to live on a wild frontier that we now call America. Any word from those they loved (in any of these situations) would take, in our current digital understanding of the word, FOREVER. People could have had babies, passed away, moved house, survived a natural disaster, changed careers, or Lord knows what by the time you received a letter from them. And that letter would often be filled with updates that were no longer new or accurate because it took SO DAMN LONG for mail to arrive, if it was going to at all! That may sound dramatic, but seriously, we are SO lucky to have long-distance communication abilities available at our fingertips!

Which brings me to this question: Why in the world do so many people cop out before they even give a long-distance relationship a try?

During grad school, about 2.5 of the 3.5 years that I spent living in a different state from my partner, I lived in Washington, DC. Without a doubt, I love that city. Also without a doubt, I’m baffled by the dating scene there. The looks of confound and bewilderment that I received when the truth about my long-term, long-distance relationship was uncovered were laughable. Truly, I often burst out laughing at these shocked faces. The laughing commonly came to an abrupt halt when they opened their mouths and said something like: “OMG Why?!” or “WTF would you do that when you can sleep around here?” or “Why? It’s totally not worth the [time, energy, effort, etc.]”...Wish I was kidding, folks.

My response to these [Inappropriate? Rude? Inconsiderate? Immature?] inquiries was always something along the lines of, “Because I love him and I don’t want to date anyone else...?” *look of annoyance*.

If I chose to continue these super-supportive, well-worth-my-time conversations I usually found (I can think of only 2 people from these situations that do not fit in these categories) one of two things; either the person I was talking to had never committed any serious amount of [time, energy, effort, etc.] to anyone but themselves, OR the idea that two people with strong feelings for one another can function without a readily available booty call was beyond their imagination. I’d like to dispel any and all myths of this kind in regard to long-distance relationships.

There’s two and a half points I’d like to make here:

1. Lack of sexual contact with someone does not mean the end of a relationship.*

*This sentiment is specifically in reference to a full, committed relationship. It DOES mean the end of a relationship that is essentially ONLY sexual contact. And, really, I’d put up the argument that these aren’t worthy of the title “relationship” in the first place, but for the sake of clarification I can play along.

A serious relationship consists of so much more than the physical, and these interactions can and will sustain your relationship if you commit yourself to making them a priority. Consider this a time of growth for your partnership in the emotional, communicative, and maturational dimensions of your relationship. And (*BONUS*) the deeper the roots you grow in these areas during this time, the more your love will grow for the long-term. Cheesy, but true.

2. Don’t knock it ‘till you try it!

I know it’s scary to think of the person that you’re entrusting your feeling to as being off on their own with the potential to mistreat those feelings without your knowing, but (no offense) this is THE SILLIEST reason to not even give long-distance a shot. True, it might not work and you might get hurt, but isn’t that true of any relationship? I would bet that most of us can think of a friend or relative whose significant other was cheating, lying, and generally mistreating them without their knowing while living in the same city—even under the same roof.

This leap of faith is simply part of relationships. I’m even going to risk sounding like your parents, here, and remind you that letting fear decide your life for you is no life at all. You have to take risks in any area of life (take that job offer, go to that university, move out on your own) in order to figure out who you are and where you belong. The worst thing that could happen? You break up, which is what you’re willing to do now simply to avoid attempting a long-distance relationship. Just give it a try!

2.5 To build on the same thought, (and generally jump down a wee rabbit hole) know when it isn’t worth the [time, energy, effort, etc.]

If you are ready to take the leap, but you’re left trying to convince your significant other that (s)he should jump with you, know when it’s time to walk away. Not all relationships* are worth the [time, energy, effort, etc.] and, more specifically, not all people deserve the investment that you’re willing to make into a long-distance, long-term, committed relationship. To be blunt: don’t waste yourself on someone who doesn’t care enough to even try!

Since this is somewhat of a tangent, I’ll just direct you up to the first fact in this article (but try not to get trapped in the cyclical rhythm that may ensue) and point out that such a person is clearly not ready for such a situation.

Personally, the [time, energy, effort, etc.] that my [now] husband and I invested in one another was well worth it. It was worth the heartache of missing one another, the small frustrations of not being able to hold hands and generally be lovey-dovey on the daily. It was even worth the silly, nonsensical arguments that led to over-blown, hysterical arguments of almost no substance because we knew deep-down that the long-distance wasn’t permanent, but our hard-won relationship sure was.