Many people are faced with the reality that they may have to 'come out' at some point. Some stay hidden behind walls and closed doors as random strangers enter during the night, only the shadows knowing the secret of lovers. Many proudly display what they were born with, an array of colors flowing from behind as if to color the world with their walk, rather than paintbrushes. I have 'come out' a few times in my life, a step I had long felt but waited on until it seemed like the perfect moment. I learned that life is never perfect, and neither are the responses you get to such a life altering sentence that may last a simple two words: I'm gay. I will tell y'all of the three times I have come out (three being that they were the scariest and hardest, whereas coming out to different friends multiple times was easier for me).
My father was a ghost in my timeline. I did not feel or hear him as he entered my life on those rare occasions, being a child of divorce at such a young age. He was the one to pick me up from my last winter track meet. We sat in the car, the rock station on low, the cold air on high. As he turned into my neighborhood I shook. I felt the earth move under us as the car cruised along the street. We were making the last turn. As he pulled up to the stop sign and look both ways, I opened my mouth, "Daddy? I have something to tell you and I don't know how to say it but... I'm gay." He was silent for about two seconds, just long enough for him to take the turn down my street, and his voice filled the car "Yeah, I kinda already knew you were. It's pretty obvious. Did you tell your mother?" And with that a weight was lifted and I knew my next task: to come out to momma.
It was three days later. I remember pulling her into the bedroom. My brother and sister were outside on the trampoline. It was the perfect moment: I say it, she responds, she goes back to making dinner and I go back to being a social recluse in my bedroom (who needs to have fun senior year when you can stay at home watching Netflix?). She paused. Silence fell across the house. She started, "Well I want you to know that I love you no matter what," but I could feel the subject turning, "but you never know. Maybe its just a phase and you'll like girls." It was said and done. 100% acceptance from the absent in my life but not all the way from the one who raised me. I felt like I had sinned against her and needed to go to confession (we are Catholics). The weight was lifted anyway, and an awkward turn of events as she left the room, patting my shoulder what saying "Just make sure to use protection." Maybe that statement was to redeem the liking girls part. It just made it extremely awkward (however everyone should use protection because it keeps you safe).
The last person I came out to was my babysitter. After being in college a full year, I came back in the summer to find that all the weights were not lifted. There was still something holding me down. I went to her house and I said what I had to. She was a big influence on my life. An elderly woman, now in her late 80's, was the reason I had a good childhood. She responded "Oh, so you finally admitted it! I'm proud of you! Did you tell your mother?" and I was told a story that I hold in my heart, because I love her and she raised me from birth through the start of middle school. "I told my family that you were gay and to accept you when you came out. I knew it from when you were little. You were always different, always special. And you may not have heard this but when I told your mother she freaked out. 'My child's a boy and he's staying a boy!' But I love you. Jessie's gay and it gets easier the more [gay] people you know."
Now all of the weights are lifted, all of my bonds broken. I am finally free to be me. No more hiding, no more worrying about who accepts me because at this point in my life, I can just say "forget you" to those that don't accept. Others may be battling, but I can tell you that life is better on the other side of the spectrum. You may not be accepted, but the liberation to be who you want and accept it, that is the true prize of coming out. Having people support you is just icing on the cake. So please, enjoy dessert when given the chance. <3
