How To: Get College Students To Show Up To Things

1. Punny title.

2. Free food.

How To: Have Your Life Together

1. Say you're going to stay organized.

2. Take 21 credits.

3. Overcommit to clubs.

4. Start replacing each hour of sleep you miss with a cup of coffee.

5. Wait for your friends to stage an intervention.

How To: Eat Healthily

1. Try to eat balanced meals with lots of vegetables and protein.

2. Wake up in your dining hall at 3 am covered in donut crumbs, tater tot grease, and frosting.

How To: Work Out

1. Arrive at gym.

2. Run one mile.

3. Buy cupcakes to reward yourself.

How To: Go To A History Lecture

1. Fall asleep.

2. Literally wake up in a different century.

How To: Stay Healthy

1. Take vitamins.

2. Eat healthy.

3. Wash hands.

4. Be sick all semester anyway.

How To: Dress for Class

1. Put on some trendy outfit.

2. Have people appreciate said trendy outfit because everyone else just rolls out of bed and puts on clean pajamas.

How To: Actually Dress for Class

1. Roll out of bed and put on clean pajamas.

How To: Change And Grow As A College Student

1. Have 75% of your blood be coffee

2. Find new ways to put together outfits on laundry days.

a. In a pinch, swimsuit tops work very well as bras.

b. Same goes for bottoms and underwear.

c. Wear a fancy dress because it's the only clean thing you have, but it looks like you're really trying.

d. Please, just do your laundry.

3. Learn to be responsible for yourself, your space, and your work.

a. Except for when you only get 1 hour of sleep on some night because you needed to watch five seasons of "The Office" before class.

b. Also, you can't see the floor anymore because you've decided there's no point in putting clean laundry away if you're just going to take it back out and wear it.

c. And that whole work thing, you actually do that part ... but not before eating three meals, detailing the bathroom, cleaning your backpack, backing up your computer, and doing all of the high school reading you never did.