I always knew exactly what I wanted to do with my degree, until I didn't. Let me be the first to tell you, this isn't an easy realization to come to. As soon as I started to realize that I may be going down a path that I didn't really want to be in, I shut down. I pushed people out of my life as I became consumed with anxiety and a loss for a sense of purpose or drive. The truth is, I realized I was miserable in what I was doing, but I came to terms with this at a time where I would already need to pick up the pieces of what I had become as a result.
The most crippling part of not knowing what to do after college is uncertainty. At this point in time, it feels as though nothing drives me. I'm taking classes because I must. I'm causing myself to over stress about minor details because I feel like I have to. Because of my increasingly uninspired self, I keep falling farther and farther into a constant state of worry about what my future is going to look like.
Last year, I studied Pre-med. Now, I am pursuing a Communications degree, hoping that I'll be able to feel that spark of inspiration or desire like I once did that lies somewhere in this broad spectrum of education that I have chosen for myself. Frankly, I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. None. Zero. Absolutely running dry on ideas.
There is one thing I do know for sure: I've lived an anxiety ridden life, and I am fully aware that I no longer want it to be apart of my life. I want to wake up every morning and head to my job knowing it's what I love and want to be doing. I want to have relationships with friends and family, and enjoy life rather than feel like my career is getting in the way of my relationships or state of mind.
For my fellow college students who feel the same--who feel lost and confused and hopeless in a time that is supposed to be exciting and full of endless possibilities- I understand- and it's okay. Who cares if we are 20 years old and have no idea what decision to make, that will be a part of our lives until we are in our 50's? Maybe there's a reason we feel lost and uninspired in a world where it's always seemed like our career paths were black and white. I'd like to think I'm being called and pulled toward something else of my own creation, something that will allow me to break the mold and leave me with the greatest amount of happiness. You don't need to be complacent in a field or a class that is slowly tearing you apart from the inside.
Stop trying to grasp and cling to an inspiration you once had if you know in your heart it's not there. Stop telling people it's okay when it's not. Stop apologizing for having no clear answer to the question, "so what do you want to do with your life?"
