As the first semester of my college experience comes to a close in the next few weeks, I look back with a rather fondness and confusion on the entire experience. While there is so much more to happen with my time here away at the good old University, these are things I’ve learned so far.

It’s easy to say the typical things people learn at college. All the growing up that happens over their time away. The teetering of political views, struggles with religion, and the best friends forever you are supposed to find. But everyone experiences college a little different, and the glazed over images we receive from movies and television shows don’t always paint the most accurate picture.

When I arrived at college, I went through the same mom crying — dad sitting outside the room experience everyone goes through. It happens, it’s normal, and you just got to let your mom “nest.” Let her clean every inch of the dorm room, let her fold all your clothes, and let her kiss you five million times. And let your dad do his “bro” thing, where he acts all cool. He smiles a few times at you and tells you to have fun, but be safe, and then leaves, dragging your crying mom away. Because as soon as the sound of her sobs fade, you’re alone.

The first thing I did was turn around in my room and stare at it for a good few seconds. This was “home” now, whether I liked it or not. There was no going back now. A feeling of overwhelming panic and new-found fear now filled my chest and I stared at my phone wondering if I should call my parents. Of course, I didn’t because at the time I was ready for this new adventure and all the plans it had for me.

And so, opening weekend festivities began. One of the very first questions I got on my first weekend of college was “Are you going out this weekend?” While it seems like a very normal question to most people, my response was quickly, “On the first weekend? Are you insane?” I personally believed that going out that first weekend was a recipe for disaster. You just moved in, you barely had your bed made, and you already were willing to risk the tuition bill you had just paid a week ago. It was too risky in my opinion. It’s not that I didn’t look down on those party goers, I just knew that it wasn’t my crowd, especially on the first weekend.

So, I spent the majority of my time with my small group for opening weekend, meeting some acquaintances, and having quiet nights in sitting, writing, and reading. I thought it would be a walk in the park socially. An easy attitude and a quick smile, find some similarities, and all of a sudden, your best friends for life. The only problem was people didn’t know what they liked or who they were. People didn’t know what one adjective was to describe them. People didn’t know themselves yet. So, I just tried to fit in, and made easy conversation whenever I could.

At college, everyone is so enamored with this idea of rediscovering yourself; with really finding who you are and getting out there to test yourself. But I like to think that everyone already knows who they are and the person they want to be, they are just too afraid to become that person because they know what they’ll have to sacrifice to get there and be that. And I always thought college was about taking those risks and making those sacrifices. Perhaps it’s just the opposite, and rather about avoiding them.

This “new found freedom” everyone seems to talk about isn’t really what I thought it meant. I thought it meant living on your own, not having a curfew, making decisions for yourself, learning to wash your dishes, and do your own laundry. Instead, I watched as people came back with their stomachs too full of alcohol to even recall their first name, and I heard them mumble to themselves that this, this right here, was the college dream.

And it wasn’t like I had the worst time adjusting. While yes, tears were shed, I did find a small group of people on my floor to call my friends for the school year as I went off to my classes trying to decide on a major. The thing about college is it is so real, but so fake. It’s this glazed over perfect utopia of what the real world is going to be like. In life, there is no extra credit or ten-point grading scale. You get one shot to make it or break it, and that’s how it is.

I want a great college experience don’t get me wrong (and I have for sure had one so far), but over my few months I’ve realized that the “college experience” and “new freedoms” that everyone talks about is really about breaking all the rules your parents had for you in high school simply because you can.

And so, while I go to bed by midnight still, and get my homework all done before Sunday, I run into the problem of “Where do I fit in?” I don’t want to stay in every weekend, but I find that throwing my guts up is also the worst experience to ever have. I know who I am, and what I want. I know what I want my future to look like, and I’ve got an amazing life right now. I’m just enjoying everything and letting everything just happen the way it does.

The “college experience” and “new freedoms” you get isn’t really free. It’s a test to see how you’re going to handle yourself in the real world. College is a test so that you can get all of your stupid mistakes out of the way before you can actually mess up. So, while I still wonder exactly where I fit in, I’m confident that I’ll figure it out in the coming semesters, and I know that this is only the beginning of one of life’s greatest tests.