Ah, it’s that time of year again. The leaves are changing, the air is getting colder, and all over the nation college campuses are filling with awkward, uncertain freshmen stumbling around trying to find the dining hall (spoiler alert, its right in front of you). As you begin figuring out how to traverse the treacherous terrain, fear not, for I am on your side. I was there but a year ago, figuring things out for myself. Over my first year of college, I accumulated a wealth of knowledge about how to hack everyday college life; my friends often came to me with their most pressing issues, and I, with my fabulous intellect, figured out practical solutions to their troubles. Below are some of the best life hacks I found while fixing everyone else’s problems.

Is your roommate choking on an ice cube? Don’t wait!!

Waiting for the ice cube to melt could cost your roommate valuable oxygen, killing off more brain cells as time goes on. Trust me, they will need them all later on. Instead, simply pour boiling water down their throat. This will cause the ice to melt faster, saving valuable brainpower for them to later destroy through four years of binge drinking. I mean studying.

Did you forget to pack a razor? No problem!!

Simply find the nearest available fan. These devices are available all over the place, like your admissions hall, the dining hall, your dorm’s lobby…heck, your roommate might even have one they put in the window. And remember, if it’s too dull, one of your friends probably has a pocketknife and duct tape. Use your imagination from there.

Is something in your room broken? Forget the Maintenance staff!!

All you need to diagnose issues within your room is a screwdriver, duct tape and vegetable oil. If it moves and you don’t want it to, apply the duct tape. If it doesn’t move and you want it to, coat it with vegetable oil. If neither of these things fixes the issue, have a friend stick a screwdriver into the faulty item. If their hair stands up on end, you have yourself an electrical problem.

No bed risers? That’s ok!!

Just use really big stacks of quarters. That way, you can even set the height yourself instead of having to rely on some silly pre determined verticality. Just remember not to jump on the bed too hard. Or knock it while storing things underneath it. Or make any sudden movements in its general vicinity.

Heater broken in the middle of winter? The solution is all over the room!!

If you go to college in the north like me, then you know that the wintertime can get pretty chilly. And if your school can’t even take the time to get your heater working properly, you deserve to be comfortable anyway. Simply put a cup over your smoke detector, break apart your desks, cabinets, and closets, and start a dorm room campfire!! Begin by taking off nonessential parts like the drawers and the handles, and slowly consume the rest until your heating needs are met.

Unused outlets, but no outlet covers? Go to the dining hall!!

Forks make fantastic outlet covers if those fancy store bought ones aren’t around. Make sure you get it far enough in where any devices can’t accidentally be slipped around the fork and into the outlet.

No money for a car? Use some school resources!!

All of your teachers have those fancy rolling chairs in their rooms. Simply steal one of those, attach a seatbelt, and grab a leaf blower from Maintenance. Combine the three and boom. You’ve got your hands on one speedy transportation tool. And let’s be honest, is anyone going to notice? Your teacher probably doesn’t want to be there any more than you do, and he’s likely paying about the same amount of attention as you. Just attach a couple bicycle tires to the bottom of some plywood and he won’t even notice the switch. And the Maintenance staff will probably thank you for giving them an excuse to take a couple days off. It’s a win-win for everyone.

And there you have it!!!

You should now be fully prepared for any issues that college life throws at you. I’d love to help you out more, but I have to go. There’s a student who wants hot chocolate, but hot plates aren't permitted. I’ve already got my hairdryer out and ready.