We live in a world, where our online presence determines if we get a job or not. Well let's change that, and talk about something that needs to be talked about. Drugs, are something that need to actually be talked about, and not left to AA meetings and rehab facilities. I'm here to give you some harsh truth about how drugs actually fucked my life up, and not just for a couple of hours.
Back in January, my girlfriend Lauren and I decided to break things off. I don't want to say this was the tipping point in my sobriety, but it sort of was. I was already going through a lot, so her and me calling it quits made me think I needed to fill my time up with some other extra circulars. Drugs were not even one of them, just yet.
In a struggle to find some something to do, I was able to meet some new people. These people made my life so much happier. But, they all encouraged being wild, smoking weed, snorting cocaine, popping Adderall, and drinking a ton of alcohol. Every day, I looked forward to hanging out with them, drinking some alcohol, and smoking a few blunts.
Alcoholism and addictions to drugs run deep in my family. So, deep, that almost everyone, despite a few, has a real problem. I always told myself, it's just a drink, I'll be fine. No, I wasn't.
My habit started with the bottle. I would take five or six shots, and then by that time I couldn't feel anything, so I would just down a whole bottle.
Are you listening to me? I hope you are. This is where my life fell apart.
I went to a bar downtown one night, with a friend. It was about a 20-minute drive, and about a five hour walk back to my apartment. I got drunk, because why go out if you aren't going home trashed, right? While I was there, I had to break the seal. I went into the bathroom. The friend I went with came, along with a random girl we met there. We all went into the handicap stall. I thought it was weird, but I wasn't ashamed of my body so I was like okay. As I went to pee, the random girl pulled out a small dime size bag and it had cocaine in it, so I pulled my pants up. By this point I had seen it before, but I never tried it because I was scared shitless that it would be laced, and I had morals.
That night was different. The friend that I went with looked at me, and I didn't want to seem too good to "have fun" so I did it. I took two bumps off of the key. Our mutual friend dropped us off at the bar that night. We didn't have a ride home, so we walked. It was a five hour walk back to the apartment. Luckily, we had enough money to Lyft after three hours of walking.
After trying it the first time, I loved it. I would do it anytime someone had it. I bought it a couple of times too. I never did it in a professional setting, or before I had something to do like class, but as soon as I was done, I was hitting the bag.
Then I started popping Adderall. I would take two to three Adderalls a day, because it kept me awake all night so I could party at night and stay super focused, but on the wrong things. I ended up failing my first thing ever, and it was a college class.
Here is a photo of me from four months ago. This isn't me, this is the horrible person I was becoming forever. Breyauna Sheldon
After a month of doing cocaine, and a month and a half of popping Adderalls, I decided it was time to branch out some more. I finally did Acid. It was insane. I tripped for a solid 13 hours. LSD is one hell of a drug. While I was tripping, I had a vision. After talking to my friend, we came to the conclusion that, what I saw was me on the brink of losing myself forever to drugs and alcohol. Crazy because I am only 19.
After my acid trip, I decided to cut everything out. It was hard for me, but I had to. The thought of losing myself for good, scared me so much. Three weeks later my mother tried to commit suicide for the second time.
When I was sitting in the hospital, looking at my mother on a ventilator, all I could think about was how she kept telling me to sober up because I was becoming a horrible person. She would always tell me how she missed the old me. It was at that point that I said to myself that I missed her too.
Since that moment, I have not relapsed. However, the thought of buying or doing cocaine, and Adderall crosses my mind on the regular. But, I am more than that.
Why write this article? Well, for two reasons.
The first, is for the kids out there like me, who live in a different state, who are going to school, and who have no one. There are going to be people that you want to be friends with. Those could be similar to the people that I wanted to be friends with. Those people never cared about me. They never came to me and told me that I should stop. They only encouraged my craziness. If one of them would have said listen, you need to chill out, I think I would have listened. But they didn't. When you go away to college, you think "oh, that would never happen to me." It will. It's scary because you have no idea the real power of peer pressure. You also have no idea how easy it is to actually obtain illegal substances. Everyone knows someone who buys, or sells.
The second, is for the parents and guardians of kids like me. You need to be there and support their successes and mistakes. You need to understand that when your kids move out and go to school, it doesn't matter how you raised your children, they are going to fuck up. Hopefully not as bad as I did, but it happens. My one mom is a police officer, the other one was a secretary. Growing up I had to have straight A's, and never get in trouble. Going to college was a new lease on life because I could come and go as I pleased, never answer to anyone but myself. It's a rude awakening.
Drugs seriously made my life hell. I relied on getting high and drunk to function. That isn't cool. I dug myself such a deep hole that trying to get out of it is still hard. I blew through money, I lost really good friends, I changed who I was, I let my morals go.
Today makes a full month of sobriety for me. Which is a huge deal. I am so thankful to have my mom, and my dad and my best friend Gabby. Those three people have encouraged me so much to stay clean. Without my mom, I have no idea what I would have done. She has helped me find meetings to attend to get the help that I need. If you are struggling, take advantage of friends, family and meetings.
My last thing, talk about it. More people can relate and help than you may think. I hope my story can help someone find the strength to sober up, talk and above all get the help they need.
Here is a recent photo of me. Happy, sober, and getting my life back. Breyauna Sheldon
