My heartbeat is louder than my thoughts

Or are my thoughts louder than my heartbeat?

I find myself crying more than usual,

Or have I just spent too much time pretending to be OK?

The white walls of my dorm room are my only company

And they moan and groan with the slightest bit of sarcasm

"WOE IS YOU"

And I sit there staring them in the face

Desperately ticking off reasons

Excuses

Lies

Happy lies to keep this face smiling

"I have friends and I do OK in school."

That's right.

I have-well had friends.

Too busy too tired too done

With this limbo between adulthood and student-hood

Who ascribed me as a happy go lucky teen

While I identify as manic depressive

And made sure they always saw me manic

I do OK in school

By the skin of my teeth

Hopefulness whispers

"C's get degrees"

Because I can't put the A in pass

But I can put the C in mediocre

Because everything I do now is lackluster

I'll laugh when I exclaim to be a broke college student

Yet I can afford to almost never be sober

I'll shrug when we talk about failing grades

Low GPA

Academic probation

I'll say I'm doing good when proud family members call to say hello

I'll be honest with you

But only after 15 shots or so

I'll sleep when I'm dead, or at least after I graduate

Your diploma isn't just a ticket to a career

But evidence, proof that you survived

You survived the loneliness

The ridicule

The doubt

The heavy partying

The hangovers

The bad trips

The F's

The D's

And the D's who always see the worst

In too busy, too tired, too done college students

Hi, I'm a Junior

But if you as my academic advisor

I'm a Sophomore

But that's because they don't know Super Senior exist

It's going to be about me, my relationship, and my grades.

No more drinking and no more crying.

I'll keep myself busy so I don't have to listen to white walls,

I'll workout so I don't have to spend time staring into the mirror

I'll pray more and be ungrateful less.

I'll only drink on weekends because the weekdays are hard

I'm not entirely sure what I want to do when I graduate

If...I graduate

I'm going to pretend I do though

I'm going to sleep more because the me in the mirror can use it

I'm going to finally let mom decorate my walls because she's the only one who thinks my depression is in my head and walls can't talk

I'm going to move to anywhere else after I graduate

And busy myself there

Because I'm too tired and too sick

Of here.